Scary Babies... Continued

As if that freakish baby I saw in the Sunday supplement wasn't enough, this is what I saw Christmas shopping a few weeks ago. Vacuum-packed-anatomically-correct devil babies. I mean look at the horrific fuckers, no question, these definitely come alive at night and crawl round the store in their clear plastic wrappers. FACT.

Now I'm Scared!

Just in case you needed proof that I actually have entered Sven into the Eurovision competition for next year, here it is, 100% genuine I promise!

God what have I done?

I Hate Umbrellas: An Occasional Series, A Permanent Anger

Yes, yes, yes, I know I've ranted about them before, but...

It's pissing it down in London this morning and the brolly brigade are out in force. Watching them, avoiding them, nay hating them I've realised something, the people who use them are selfish, that's right, completely self-absorbed bastards. Think about it the umbrella is designed for one person, it's their own little protective world and before you bark on at me about golf umbrellas and how you could probably fit a whole Vietnamese family under one of them, have you ever seen anyone try do that? No I thought not, there's another whole special pot of anger for golf umbrellas frankly and the utter, utter, c*nts who tote them in my face down t'narrow street o'London.

I know I shouldn't be upsite by such trivialities, but I am, I enjoy the rain, I enjoy being a little bit damp, it helps me connect with nature and not hide away from it like those pricks under cover.

Cherish The Thought

Look at this frightening thing being advertised in one of the weekend supplements, it's not so much the picture as the description that accompanies it, as follows completeley unedited:

'The beauty of God's handiwork takes our breath away, as we marvel at the details in this newborn baby girl's exquisite face... her delicate wisps of hair... her long, supple fingers... her tiny, wrinkled feet. Still slightly flushed from the miracle of birth, she snuggles happily in your arms and waits for you to give her a name. Then all you need to do for her is... Cherish her.'

I mean seriously what the f**k, who is this crap being targetted exactly? Even more frightening is who the f**k is actually buying this shit. What dark hole in their life is this masking, I would say filling, but no way, this is for someone with 'issues' and some shitty little doll ain't gonna fix that I'm afraid!

A Spot of Bother

I know I probably shouldn't even be posting this and I've deliberately not included a picture (trust me it would have been gross). I squeezed a spot yesterday and never before have I seen so much puss, it was disgusting. I even squeezed again and even more came out, it was revolting and now I have an unsightly blemish on my face and no amount of concealer can hide this hideous crater.

Sven For Eurovision 2009

Hands up who wants Sven to represent the UK in Moscow at the 2009 Eurovision Song Contest?

Okay, okay, settle down class, while rumours abound of Sven's demise, here is a cold hard fact; the BBC are inviting anyone, yes anyone, to sing for the UK in next year's competition. I think we all know what that means.

So who's with me.... er Sven.