Gaylords Say 'No'

Outside The Box

2010-07-08T09:32:00.001Z

It's so very nearly over - it's not but it nearly is. I tried so very hard not to count the days but it's official - today I'm counting, just 3 more sleeps. I don't know how I've failed to mention the building site I'm living on as well since being here - it is a major deep excavation, they're building a new underground railway and this is to be the station.

Ah so many things I won't miss, but let's not dwell aye - oh but I kind of am aren't I! Let's focus on the good, why not, I got out of this shithole for a couple of days and travelled to the coast to Durban - it was beautiful and finally a chance to spot some decent totty, namely in the form of surfer dudes on the beachfront, my word they cut a fine figure!! Despite it being winter here, you would not have known it as we basked in a glorious 26 degrees overlooking the Indian Ocean supping on a cold beer.

Two days felt a week it was that good, being able to walk out of your front door without fear of being mugged or worse, felt like a treat! We went to the Ocean Park there, you know one of those places with aquariums and dolphins and shit. The dolphin show was one of the worse things I had ever seen, but quite funny (in an embarassing kind of way) during the 30 minutes of the show we could bare to sit through we saw about 5 minutes of actual dolphins (gay sharks according to glee) and 25 minutes of awful filler, including dolphin biology and life cycle set to music "The baby suckles it's mother for up to a year-ear".

When we got back to the airport, narrowly avoiding death by our taxi driver falling asleep and veering into the oncoming traffic! We find our flight has been delayed, they closed the airport for the king and queen of Spain, subsequently flights were not allowed to land - some had had to return to the origin airport, we're quite happy our friend has access to the business lounge and we settle in to the free bar.

One of the few surprise experiences of this trip was actually trying a session of boxing - I can't say I was particularly great at it. But it was just a brilliant bit of exercise and I will definitely try it again.

Daniel In The Lions Den

2010-06-29T11:08:00.006Z

I was going to title this entry Lions and Tigers and Bears oh my, but that would be a lie, there were no tigers or bears. If I'd called it Lions and Cheetahs and Giraffe and Meerkat and Porcupine and Hyena and Zebra oh my that would have been more accurate but a little lengthy.

None the less that pretty much sums up what I did on my first day off in two weeks and it was great fun. We travelled to a small safari park on the outskirts of the city where we were invited to 'Touch-A-Cub' signs everywhere, even encouraging children to do it, it's a bit wrong isn't it! But how cute they are - they were so docile in the midday sun and really weren't bothered by our presence and 'touching' at all. We also got to pet a Giraffe but it's not the same as a lion, I mean it's neck is much longer for a start.

I finally got myself to a match as well, Argentina v Mexico, and it was a goody in the wake of England's dismal performance. What I particularly liked about it was the fans, lively and loud, but openly wanting to enjoy it with their oppositions. Seeing fans from two different teams take pictures together is something I think would never be seen in English football. The seats were excellent, just 10 rows from the pitch right on the central line thingy and it was also great to see footballing legend Maradonna strutting around and flashing a picture of his 1986 squad - much to the joy of onlooking fans!

The workload has finally stepped down from bonkers to manageable and I have to say some of the editors here are producing absolutely sublime stuff, I'm quite envious, but it's good to be in their company and glean a little knowledge from them. A team bonding night out bowling certainly helped ail some of the cabin fever that has been setting in of late and given the poor performance on my first round everyone was quite surprised when I doubled my score to come third in the second.

But this is where I'm at at the moment. Counting down the days!

On Your Bike

2010-06-25T10:31:00.006Z

Well I decided to head out on a tour of the Soweto township on my morning off, it seems ridiculous to be in a country and be protected from what it might actually be like. Yes, yes, yes, I know it's 'in the interest of our safety' but a little bit of common sense and self-awareness surely (not two words I normally associate with myself).

We're picked up and taken out to backpackers, on the journey one of the party informs us he's not feeling well and could well have Malaria, he's concerned he hasn't taken his tablets for the last few days, he's a little prone to exaggeration so we ignore him.
The township covers an area of around 140km squared and has a population somewhere between 3.5 and 5 million people. It is hidden from view in Jo'burg by a range of massive man-made mountains, they are actually deposits from the gold mines apparently, and allegedly there are plans for them to be removed. FUN FACT: Jo'burg is the only major city in the world not to be on the coast or a river and was established because of the gold.
We choose our bikes and set off, apparently a lot of the money from the tour is fed back into the community, I only hope it is, at £60 for the day it's certainly not cheap and the first part of the community we visit certainly needs it.

There was much discussion as to whether a bunch of white tourists should be paraded through a very poor area of the city where people live in tiny and filthy living conditions - the waste and effluence on the ground was disgusting. I can see the argument but I believe if people don't see this for themselves they remain ignorant to the extremes of society. That said the people are infectiously happy and smiley and they just want to say hello and shake your hand the kids are particularly sweet.
It's a shameful legacy from apartheid that such a large community still live likes this, but we're informed by the tour guide that the rate in which conditions are improving are the greatest they have ever been, things like toilets and clean water supplies - the basic things we take for granted. We are invited to look around one of the homes, it's tiny, about the size of my kitchen and at one time as many as 5 people may have lived there. There's a thick stench of pot in the air so I decide not to stick around.

Later we are offered some local brews to taste - it's a large black bowl containing a local brew, we are informed it is incredibly rude to smell something before you are offered it - I'm handed the bowl and cautiously take a sip, it's much nicer than I expect, a bit like a watered down cider, we're then told it's very weak and that you'd probably have to drink 5 litres of the stuff for it to have any kind of affect. We're then offered some meat that has been prepared for us - I'm told it's 'head of cow, not the brains or eye or anything like that, it is the cheek', I haven't the stomach for this and decline, others are more bold.

After this the tour takes us into a more middle-class areas of the township, it's almost as if they want to shock us first, we visit Mandela's house, Winnie's (Mandela not Pooh) and finally Desmond TuTu's none of them are in, shame I bought muffins and quite fancied a cuppa. Finally we're taken to a local bar for late lunch, it's the most authentic place I've been since being here, locals are sat around and it's modest and unassuming. I wish we were able to take in more places like this whilst we are here, places that actually feel authentically African.

We return our bikes and sit in the sun listening to a band practicing for a gig while we wait for transport back, we're pretty sure we know the words to the song My Africa after the fourth time they've played it. After which they stop and the lead singer comes over and chats to us, I can barely resist the urge to ask him if he knows 'My Africa'.

Ding Ding

2010-06-22T22:17:00.005Z

Well it's been a manic first week - hence the lack of posts. Having arrived and launched straight into work on a system that I needed some orientation with was a bit stressful to say the least - then the whole system failing on a grand scale produced a huge back load of work which I didn't deal with that well! But then a conversation with my great mate Bren and I realise it's time for a reality check.

After three days and 36 hours at work I'm grateful to shift onto slightly more sociable hours - late afternoon to midnight which means I have a chance to take the 'social shuttle' in the morning to one of the other districts of Jo'burg. It strikes me as you travel about that in this city you move from compound to compound, every one tells you it's unsafe to simply walk the streets, I can't conceive that people would actually be happy living like this and as if to prove otherwise all the local people we've met have been really friendly and genuinely so.

I started writing this a few days ago and I'm now actually ten days in to the work and am feeling as settled as I think you can in this sort of situation, I've even been amused by a few of the items on the menu at one of the restaurants we went to:
Personally I think I'd go for the man rump!

Also at dinner this evening I ordered a cocktail only to have it delivered in a teapot - novel!
I'm hoping to get out on a bike trip into Soweto in a couple of days time - then I might have some more interesting things to tell you!!

Out In Africa...

2010-06-15T21:14:00.002Z

Well I’m finally here having endured my worse fear in the air, a plane full of Dutch people – well alright I’m not actually a ‘Dutch-hater’, although they were slightly annoying, what I’m actually referring to is the super-Jumbo A380 I flew out on from Paris – yes Paris not London to Jo’burg.

The accommodation is not exactly three star, well any star really, I climb the fire escape to get to my room – I don’t have to, it’s just quicker and more reliable than the lift, plus it’s only 3 floors up! But from the outside is does bare more than a passing resemblance to some of the prisons I’ve visited on my travels but hey the cells are serviced every morning! I will publish some pictures when I get chance to take some, I am slightly regretting my decision not to bring my SLR.

What I’ve seen of the city so far is interesting. It’s quite a tired looking city with a lot of dilapidated buildings dotted around the place. Although it’s only been a couple of days and what can you actually tell from the window of a bus that ships you along the same route every day?

The uniform is almost identical to previous years issue and not one that I intend keeping! However the work setup is pretty nice – brand spanking new Macs with the latest release of software, and while I certainly need some orientation round the system – I’m quite pleased I got in practice before I left and have an awesome bunch of guys and gals around me providing support.

Took the ‘social shuttle’ out to Sandton for dinner last night as apparently our area is far too dangerous to walk out in even during the day. No one has had a positive word to say about it – even out here, but I can’t help feel that we, at least a little, are victims of scare mongering, even if it’s for our own safety, there’s a certain feeling of box ticking going on.

As for the meal it was phenomenal, it was a restaurant combined with a butchers so you choose your meat and then have it cooked for you! I went for Surf & Turf, just gorgeous! (sorry veggies!!).

Well that’s it for now, I can’t see that this is going to be a daily report of drunken bawdiness simply owing to the circumstances, but watch this space and enjoy the football!!

A Nation Awaits...

2010-06-12T16:47:00.002Z

...my arrival in South Africa. Ah how quickly life moves on suddenly it's World Cup time again and 4 years have flashed by, what have I got to show for it? Well a few more grey (distinguished I'll say) hairs, a hint more bitterness, alright a lot more bitterness and not much else, but at least I've finally got an excuse to write some nonsense on my blog once more!

I don't know what to expect in the next 5 weeks, some exciting, colourful and passionate football. A lot of hard work and some great banter with some top crew. Will it be like Valencia, Austria or Vietnam, doubt it, but it will be unique! Watch this space.

"Garcon! More free nibbles please"

Fatigue (pron: Fatty Gay)

2010-02-12T10:05:00.004Z

Okay I’ve been here a week now and not seen one boat race, most of the printed media and secondary broadcast media, ie any other than us, the host media (who are ‘impartial’) are beginning to turn on the skippers of the two crew, they’re both billionaires and this is fast turning into a wank-off between them, it seems when conditions are right for one boat to race it’s wrong for the other and as they seem able to interpret the rules, or make them up, however they see fit, well we could be here along time.

What’s bothering me more though is the lack of a gym, the constantly bad food I’m eating (grabbing what you can when you can) is pushing my gut out considerably, well that and the beer I’m consuming to while away the hours with the rest of the crew, it’s not so much the amount in anyone night, otherwise I’d of had some great stories to write up it’s just the few after work every night! Trust me this is not Austria 2008!!

I’ve only woken up once surrounded by pink wafers after a late night binge, sadly that’s factually correct, but then so is the story of one of our crew asking for what sounded like ‘porky boing boing’, I believe it should have been something like ‘por que Boing Boing’ he was quite simply asking for directions for the restaurant called ‘Boing Boing’.

We did finally get a day off today though, there’s only so much filler you can create when there is no news. So we took a wander in to the old town on foot, it’s a lovely city Valencia and certainly somewhere I’d like to visit again when I’m not in this weird working limbo. En route we take in the opera house, the aquatic centre and the museum, well we don’t actually go in but the architecture is so remarkable it’s an attraction in it’s own right.

We take lunch in the old town square then a couple of us head off for go-karting in the afternoon, I enjoy it much more than expected and manage to get passed by only one person during my session!

In the evening we find a fantastic Chinese restaurant where it’s not only all you can eat, but also cooked to order from your own selection from the fresh food counters. It’s delicious and I intend returning frequently!!

Finally in my boredom and work travelling stylee I’ve started a new lip-sync video on my mobile, I’ll keep you posted!

Size Matters

2010-02-10T14:26:00.002Z

So yet again racing has been cancelled, this time 'ooh the waves are a bit big' it's pathetic, it's beautiful and sunny here, lot's of day sailors are out, but oh no if you're a seafaring type apparently this isn't good for racing. We've had the early start in case it happened, this will get annoying.

I think the cabin fever is setting in, I was given this graphic to play into the gallery this morning and I burst out laughing. I think Jon will find this reminiscent of one of our old 'technical drawing' days!

That's it for today - farewell.

A Storm Brewing

2010-02-08T10:16:00.007Z

Well what can I say, it's Monday, I'd like to say more has happened over the weekend but it's mostly been work, work, work! 12 hour plus days, but it's all good, the town has transformed over the weekend and there is now a real buzz about the America's Cup which starts today.

There's two super amazing yachts and people are still in disagreement about which team is likely to win. However what's been drawing my attention is the tea we're all drinking here, I'm delighted to be supping on a steaming brew of...

And while I'm on the topic of refreshments, at the warm up party on Saturday night (yes there was a party!) they were quite literally serving pints of gins and tonics. Fabulous!
The following morning, tales are already circulating the production office of my antics on the dance floor - but I'll spare you the details!I'm seriously regretting not bringing my SLR with me now, there have been some amazing sunrises and sunsets (Pictured: yesterdays sunset) somehow my crappy little 2 mega pixel Nokia does not do it justice. In addition the whole port is quite pretty as well, as are some of the Spanish men, but that's just an observation rather than a tale at the moment!

Finally, as we are live this morning and I am responsible for edited content in this part of the production we have an early call time, up at 5:45am (although that's not as bad as the cameramen and other crew) and it's seems I am not the only person who suffered a bad nights sleep, courtesy of the teenagers running riot in the hotel until 2:30am.

Home, Suite, Home.

2010-02-05T15:57:00.002Z

Well here I am in Valencia, it's not a jolly holi' this time though, this is work baby and it's serious business. Pictured is the van we're in and the box edit suite that is to be my home.

Annoyingly I still seem to be suffering the effects of jet lag from Cambodia, ping up at 5 this morning as I have been since I got back. I'm hoping my first stint of work in nearly a month might kick my arse back into gear.

My arrival at the hotel last night was joyous, well by that I mean not really. The taxi dropped me off at a hotel, 'nice' I thought (quickly forgetting the hardships of two weeks ago and all those valuable lessons I 'learnt' about myself), I was sure it was the right one, there was some bloke from a sailing team wandering about,
"I'm sorry Sir, we 'ave nothing in your name, are you sure?"
Well no I'm not as it happens and it turns out I've printed out the wrong document, all I have is a box on a map, I show it to him optimistically, somehow and thankfully he knows where it is. So I trudge across a city I don't know, bag in tow, thankfully I find it and check in.

Yes I know it's a bit of a dull post, think of it as a scene setter!

So Long, Farewell...

2010-02-01T01:34:00.002Z

Well that inevitable moment has arrived, I'm leaving, what happened on the last day I hear you ask? Not too much, a temple, the Royal Palace, dinner at a fabulous and ethical restaurant, that's about it, why can't all blog entries be this quick?

What did I get from this holiday? Well strengthening friendships, learning a bit about myself, an amazing outlook at a completely different way of life, oh and maybe a touch of the shits. Would I come back to these countries? Vietnam: NO, Cambodia: YES.

I don't really know what I was expecting from this holiday in hindsight, I knew it wouldn't be conventional that's for sure and I can't believe it's all over so quickly. For those of you who've followed the blog, thank you I hope you've enjoyed it and there will be more from my adventures in Spain, which start in about 4 days!!

Aw kawn everybody!!

Suprise, Suprise, Chuck!

2010-01-30T12:18:00.005Z

Now I always thought I'd be the sort of person that couldn't be surprised, I thought perhaps I'd know what people were up to - well in a long list of things I'm discovering about myself this holiday this was another, my friends up to birthday surprise mischief under my very nose!!

I was very spoilt by my friends on Thursday night, they had managed to arrange a number of surprises in cahoots with my mate Trix. It started with pressies, fab as always and one of which I may have to leave here, it's called a Linga, but I'll allow the more curious reader to Google that fella and find out what it is! Needless to say with my reputation for always getting pulled across for additional screening at airport security, this item would do me no favours!!

We take the disco Tuk Tuk into town again, once again we cruise through the main bars, pullings doughnuts, this time in front of a copper with Michael Jackson 'Don't Stop Till You Get Enough' providing the backing. The policeman whistles him to stop, he clearly has had enough! We jump out and get some food, then we're off on a circuit of the main bars. I really like Siem Reep, it's got a nice atmosphere and the lively bit is all close together. We head up to a lovely bar called Miss Wongs, with a name like that I know it must have some gay connection - sure enough the owner is and he's just a really lovely guy called Dean.

It's here that the final surprise of the night has been laid on by Trix and Mac, it's abirthday cake! I'm really touched, not just any old cake it's all decorated and has my name in the icing, they've managed to pull it all of in less than a day!! It's massive, but the bar is cosy, so we share the cake around with our fellow punters! I'm loving the town so much and seeing my long lost friends that it's suggested I stay here another day - so I do! Even at 10:30pm it's possible to make the relevant arrangements in this country!

One of our last ports of call is the towns only gay bar called Linga (seriously look it up!) it's just me and Mac left now, it's quite late and most people have gone home, a few eager male escorts try and make an advance on me, but their inappropriate touching is making me feel rather uncomfortable! I head home giddy as a pig in shit! And promptly try and call my flat mate to tell her how happy I am - it goes to answerphone - message done - pass out!

FRIDAY

Have a much more relaxed day, Mac picks me up in the morning and takes me to a war relic museum, I'm astounded by how recent some of the pieces are. However, the main order of the day is to relax and thank fully Mac knows where and the guy that runs it.

The day is spent lazily by a lovely quiet pool, the place is called Aqua, a few beers, food and music, it's a great way to chill. In the evening I join Mac and Trix for a meal in their home and then Trix and I end up back in town again! Needless to say it's not a quick pint and once again I'm home at 2, this time there's the burden of packing and being up in 4 hours time to get the morning bus back to Phnom Penh.

SATURDAY

Remarkably I'm up, but even better I seem to be in reasonable shape, when I got in last night I made myself a Berrocca and Alka Seltzer cocktail, thinking it might fight the hangover while I slept! It has. So not only do I make it early to the bus, I'm so early they allow me on the earlier departure, this turns out to be a small mistake.

2 hours into my journey the coach breaks down and we have to wait an hour for a replacement to pick us up, also the old bloke sat next to me seems to have a bladder issue and has got up and pushed past me 5 times in these first few hours, I suggest we swap places.

Normally reading on abus would make me want to vom, but for some reason today I'm having no problems and finish off one book and nearly an entire other one.

I'm very excited to see Tash and Tim at the hotel, they've come here to use the pool for the afternoon, Rich is enraged at the $8 fee, I flash my room key and barge past him 'laters losers!!' Talking of the hotel, it's put the rest of the trip in perspective, not that it really needed it, more a case of dotting the i's etc. Well once again it's late and I'm skirting details, but this should at least have kept you going for your mug-of-tea-and-Rich-Tea-break.

Tomorrow, final day expect tears, or something!

Summer Birthday: Ankor What?

2010-01-28T11:06:00.003Z

Having a birthday in January has traditionally meant bad weather, well it's summer season here and I'm really enjoying a sunny birthday, despite the mercury rising!

It's fabulous to catch up with my mate Nicky (Trix) and her partner Mac, who act as impeccable hosts and tour guides to the town. Having a 'local' on our side means we're no longer being ripped off as tourists, she takes no bullshit!!

We have a driver for the day at $15, who takes us to 4 of the main temples, the entire network covers around 3000km square. They are phenomenal, and one can only imagine what it must have been like for the explorers who discovered them in the jungle in the 1930's, the sheer scale and age of them is remarkable.

Apologies for glossing over all the amazing places I've been, but it's birthday time and there's a stench of karaoke in the air and I wanna find where it's coming from! Expect a hangover tomorrow and an update from tonight! Laters friends!! xxx

Don't Fear The Reaper!

2010-01-28T10:58:00.002Z

Well I've arrived in Siem Reap, not quite sure how. My mind seems to be a blank, something about a dead fish?

The experience is one I'll never forget, I've finally met up with my mate Trix who's lived here for 5 years. We check in at an English run guest house, right next to the river, it's an amazing setting and straight away we all know it's a place we'd like to come back to, arriving at the centre in the only disco Tuk Tuk in town, with Jolene blaring out and our driver pulling doughnuts in the square is hilarious!

We enjoy a meal and a few drinks in what is clearly a very laid back town, it's the most relaxed I've been since getting here.

Murder On The Mekong Express

2010-01-27T16:40:00.003Z

This story is based on actual events, the names of the people have been changed to protect the innocent.

I awoke uncharacteristically early, a cicada breaks the morning silence. There's a sense of unease in the air, it's almost as though death hangs in the air, like the slow lethargic mist that rolls across the city at first light.

I jump out of bed, immediately dropping to the floor to press out at least 100 push-ups and a stern set of unrelenting abdominal exercises, barely breaking a sweat. I spring to my feet and shower, DI Lovemuffin is ready for duty.

After toweling my firm torso dry I slip on a fresh, pressed cotton shirt, it slips and caresses the contours of my fine physique. Women have been known to fall at my feet at the sheer sight of me. I duck down to breakfast and sip at an orange juice squeezed by my firm manly fist and fresh Papaya served of a young orphan child's back. It's so degrading, I have to take the fruit myself.

My limo pulls up sharpish to transfer me to the Mekong Express, I'm traveling incognito, posing as a hippy tourist, I find myself burdened with two pathetic losers - there's no way they're stepping in the limo.

The three of us step out at the Phnom Pen central bus station, despite the commotion I cautiously eye the other passengers readying to board. A guy from the North West of England with a funny accent argues with his Bulgarian love trophy, a couple with a soft toy tend to a distressed child - always be wary of soft toys I note to myself. My attention is drawn to two students, they're being pushy and insist on carrying their special cargo on board. Naturally I've already deduced it's a fish in a bag and something fishy is definitely afoot.

Two Cambodian stunners greet me as I board first class. THUD. I turn sharpish, the two Asian beauties have fainted, 'of course they have' I chuckle to myself and find my way to my seat. The couple I'm traveling with insist on sitting with me - covert surveillance would be hampered by a normal DI - but not Lovemuffin.

My attention is briefly taken by a performance on my private screen. A scorcher of a woman in full ball gown is dancing sensually through a supermarket. SNAP OUT OF IT LOVEMUFFIN. The lurch of the Mekong Express draws my focus back, the fish, where is the fish? I must stop this woman next to me talking, I need a clear head.

I try and snap the other passengers discreetly with my button hole camera. The student reels as the shutter fires, it's okay, it's okay, his friends leg has broken, my cover is safe. My prowess rules. I must stop this woman talking to me. A shriek comes from up ahead, I jump, it's just the baby crying. FOCUS GODDAMMIT LOVEMUFFIN. one more jumnp like that and you'll blow your cover.

"I'm here on business" the man on the North West tells me.
"I from Bulgaria" adds love trophy.
These are all things I already know, I'd already deduced this with my superior intellect.

The coach screeched to a halt.

"Every body off, you eat now!"screamed the saucy Asian temptress (who had regained consciousness). As I shuffle past I slip her a wink. THUD.

The air was hot, sticky and tropical, 'much like a Callipo' I thought to myself, my thought is broken by a shrill scream;
"MURDER"
I sprint back to the Mekong Express, it's 40+ in the midday sun and near 100% humidity, but I easily outrun the other passengers and step back onboard. There in front of me the student is bent double, weaping, in his hands he holds out the fish. It's dead.

WHO DUNNIT?
The End.

Let Sleeping Dogs Lie

2010-01-26T14:03:00.003Z

Well reading back yesterdays post I can tell how tired I was, I skipped most of the detail from the afternoon and some of the paragraphs seems to lack basic grammar! I actually wanted to call the post '2 Dykes On The River Mekong' not because there were, but because I got chatting to a pair of them, they were actually very nice - not too 'lesbiany' at all - although I was fairly sure one of them was probably slightly more in charge!

I also failed to mention the large German contingent with us, who I greatly enjoyed watching on several (in fact every) occasions, rush to get their bags loaded on first to each of our transports, only to have to wait till the end for them to be unloaded again! Needless to say though traveling by boat was a great way to do it.

Today

I was so pleased to get a lie in today and an altogether more relaxing day. A lazy start and we headed out for breakfast, sorted out our accomodation in Siem Reep (courtesy of my mate Trix who lives there) and transport there and back. We're hoping this will mean a far less stressful couple of days ahead.

It's soon lunch then we head of into town on a Tuk Tuk, we decide to choose the old guy who is sleeping in his, rather than the ones who have said 'you want tuk tuk?' every time we've dared step foot outside the hotel. He's a very sweet guy - despite the lack of conversation and waits for us when we arrive at the S21 museum.

Now this is a truly harrowing place, it's an old school that was converted by the Khmer Rouge into a prison camp and place of torture during Pol Pot's regime. We're shown a documentary film and despite the stifling heat in the room, it's gripping a moving. We're left wandering how a country can move on from such atrocities, yet still they are.

The saddest part though is the exhibition of the mugshots that were taken of all the victims who had been 'destroyed', a phrase I find particularly chilling, while they were at the camp. As Lucy pointed out, you feel that every face deserves your time and respect to honor the inoccent, yet there are thousands in many rooms. A walk through the cells that all still remain and exhibitions with display cabinets full of skulls is sobering to say the least.

Our tuk tuk driver is waiting smiling to take us back and I think all of us are thinking that our driver would have lived through it (incredibly) and almost certainly would have been affected by it in some way himself. We take a break and contemplate the day, it really puts things in perspective. So tomorrow we're back to the early starts, but not quite as hideous! Of to Siem Reep for 2 nights and a long awaited hook up with Nicky. Bring it on!

Crossing Over

2010-01-25T16:06:00.002Z

So day 3 of 3 has arrived, again at 5.45am. I've been keeping notes of the days events as we've been out of communication, but no phone and telly I realise is no bad thing! Despite the quality of the hotel I do manage to get an omelette this morning. Sunrise is beautiful and I manage to snap a few shots before we're ushered off.

We're taken to a quay where a fleet of two-man boats are waiting all crewed by single ladies who row us to a fish-market and then on to a small village to witness Muslim scarves been woven. I'm joined in my boat by a Romanian guy called Marios who's doing the same tour but in reverse!

We have to leave promptly and jump on a boat taking us to the border, it's the first time we're uncrowded and we can lay out on the top deck in the morning sun. This is pretty much the order for the day, we switch into a smaller boat as we cross and this takes us to within an hour of Phenom Penh. The 17 of us disembark and are told to climb into a 12 seater bus with all our luggage in tow, no one is happy but it quickly becomes evident they don't care and it's the only way to get into the city.

Well it's 11:30 at night, I'm knackered and needless to say we made it okay and found a decent guesthouse, the evening was all good! Tomorrow we finally get a lay in! Good night.

Get Over Myself

2010-01-25T15:44:00.002Z

The early start arrives, but not for want of more sleep. Breakfast in most of the places we've stayed consists of a loaf of very light bread and jam, the coffee is dire. I should perhaps point out at this point in the journey I know I seem to be focussing on the negative, but it's hard and it very wearing in the heat and noise which endures constantly, but I know this is a life experience and I am really enjoying it - even if it puts me way out of my comfort zone.

The second day is much better, our first port of call is a properly genuine water market, which we are spectators, it's a treat for the camera and puts us all in a much better frame of mind, this is what we came for - an experience not a sales pat. After this the boat continues through a small rural village where all the children run out of the houses to smile and wave at us, it's not put on, it's humbling and sweet. Further highlights of the day include rice husking, climbing a monkey bridge and sampling exotic fruits straight from the tree - the mango, papaya and pineapple are particularly delicious.

Eventually it's lunch and we stop at an outdoor restaurant where a wedding is taking place next door to us. The volume on the PA is so ridiculously loud we can barely hear ourselves, but more so it's distorting beyond belief and none of the guest are even watching the ceremony! Wedding seems to be a theme of the day, as we swap coaches onto a separate tour, our new guide questions my 'single supplement' on the room and wants to know if I'm married, on my response he says he can arrange a nice woman to come to my room. I can't help but think of a quote from Priscilla 'I Your Wife!', naturally I decline.

As the journey continues I find it incredible that the country allows such a heavy volume of traffic to use the roads they are currently in the process of building! In some parts we cross temporary steel bridges where we can see right through to the river. We arrive at Chau Doc, a border town and the hotel is horrific.

I'm telling myself it's for one night, we head out for food but even that seems to be a struggle, it's really difficult to do anything when you have to think about every single decision (the sort you take for granted at home) every guide book tells you don't have drinks with ice in, we've seen why first hand, unless they make the ice themselves, so you have to inspect it - don't buy food of street vendors, that's all there is. These are the things I am finding wear me down quickest and make me want my creature comforts most. I decide back in my hotel room that I should get over myself and respect the holiday for what it is!

Saionara Saigon!

2010-01-25T15:31:00.002Z

A few days to acustomize to Vietnam and we're ready to get on the road, courtesy of the same company we toured with yesterday we're up at 6:30 for an 8am departure. We're heading off with a coach load of fellow travellers. We're exploring the Mekong Delta for three days partly by road, partly by boat. Our first stop is 2 hours in, at a petrol station, I wish I'd had my camera at the ready to snapshot the belligerent twat who was sparking up a cigarette right next to the no smoking sign - on the forecourt. Lucy took the lead and asked him not to but it quickly became clear he was drunk and didn't give a toss!

On with the tour and we're taken by boat to a Vietnamese market, it's clear it's not authentic and clearly targeting tourists. Various wares are thrust upon us and we repeatedly decline, it's bit of a pattern here. However lunch is a slightly more enjoyable affair, we stop at an island on the river, the food is mediocre but I h

Slightly deflated we're back on the boat and then back to the coach, I nod off only to awake an hour later and find we haven't moved at all, we promptly instructed to get off the coach and march to the ferry terminal "it's only a few kilometres", in the mid day sun I think to myself.

The terminal, is clearly Vietnam at it's finest, practically third world, it's a hub that everyone uses regularly to cross the various tributaries of the delta region, it's hot, smelly and wearing. We promptly have to wait on the other side another hour for our coach to come across (passengers are not allowed to cross on the vehicles) to take us to the hotel, which we then discover is 500 yards up the road. Meanwhile a few other travellers jump on the back of mopeds to be taken to homestays, I can't quite help but think they're taking their lives in their hands!

The hotel is 1 star and I'm becoming increasingly aware of how lucky I am as a westerner to have such luxuries in my life as hot running water and even electricity, yet despite myself I'm not comfortable. We head out to find food and then we're off to bed, we have to be up at 5:45 am for the next leg.

Cu Chi, Coo.

2010-01-22T12:10:00.003Z

Well I was up obscenely early this morning after very little sleep in my hot and clammy cell, only to find that breakfast consisting of a loaf of bread and peanut butter did little to dispell my theory that I'm actually in a Vietnamese prison! Rich unfortunately has woken with a stomach bug (but grateful for the supplies of pepto-bismal I bought) so it's Lucy and I setting out for temples and tunnels today.

We're joined on the coach at 8am local time (1am UK with jet lag now set in) by some friends of Rich and Lucy, who they have met in previous travels. It's takes a good hour and a half to clear Saigon and our guide says the countries theory to solving the traffic problems are to copy Singapore and other countries with no traffic control at all!

We arrive at Cau Dai temple late in the morning, in time to see mid day mass, they worship a new religion here which is influenced by Taoism, Buddhism and another which I can't remember - despite the fact the tour guide repeated everything three times to us for an hour. As lovely and colorful as the temple was, for me the enlightenment of the tour was seeing the Vietnamese countryside once we had escaped the clutches of the city.

A reasonable lunch (about 1.50), and we were back on the road to visit the underground tunnels in Cu Chi. In this region of Vietnam a network of tunnels that were all hand dug stretch over a vast 200km area. The heat and the incessant noise from a Danish family who failed to show any interest in their children whatsoever made the journey a little wearing, that combined with a lack of sleep and the bus nearly careering of the road when it struck an oncoming lorry meant I wasn't quite able to show the level of enthusiasm I should have for such a significant part of the countries past. Still crawling just 20metres through one of the 'enlarged for tourists' tunnels was quite an experience and certainly not one for those with claustrophobia.

The day was okay but far too much traveling in the heat for what we actually saw. I was glad to get back to Saigon for a burger and a beer, well I'm off deep into the Meekong Delta for 3 days tomorrow, so I expect to be out of communication - bring on the rivers!!

Danny Get's Some Fanny...

2010-01-21T15:16:00.005Z

Well since evening has struck and my friends have gone to bed and I'm frankly far too scared to venture out on my own, I thought perhaps I'd conclude todays activities blog!

Big news, Danny has had some Fanny - and enjoyed it. No I haven't succumb to the temptresses of the night (and there are plenty) This Fanny is an ice cream parlor which comes highly recommended. I opted for the JaBaileys, which like the name suggests, had Cointreau in it, ha I jest it WAS Baileys, a miserable little squirt, but tasty all the same.

Rich and I did a circuit of the block this afternoon, but concluded there was nothing else to see in our area except more bars. We did find a half decent Thai place for dinner though, I say half decent, Rich and Lucy had a great dinner, mine was a bit shit. Still the fresh watermelon juice was delicious. I won the juices.

I was a little concerned before reviewing todays photos that I might not have captured the 'beat' of the city yet, but was happier with them when I saw them on the big screen. It's common courtesy to ask people if you can take their picture apparently, I /disagree, the book in turn disagrees with me, what would those well traveled journo's know.

Well I suppose I am a bit tired and we're up early for our excursion to the Cu Chi tunnels tomorrow, I'm 34 in a few day I can feel the symptoms of old age taking over, early smurley!

Vietnam. Good Morning.

2010-01-21T08:59:00.003Z

Well here I am, fresh of the plane in mental Saigon (officially Ho Chi Minh City or HCMC) I was very grateful to see Rich and Lucy in arrivals at the airport, particularly given the insane amount of people there all waiting for other passengers, I have never seen that number of people, not even for a celebrity or football team, I half expected to see someone famous be ushered in behind me.

As for business class, as nice as it is, frankly I don't think it's worth the additional expense and the hotel I was booked into for my first night, again lovely, but it seemed to be close to nothing, well except other people. I took an hours power-nap after the journey and was impressed I survived the rest of the day.

So we venture out onto the streets, it's mental, you can't exaggerate how busy it is, it does that itself. Those of you who know me, will know I'm not the best at crossing roads, well here you have to let the traffic move around you and the trick to that is no squealing and slow and steady. Our first port of call was the war remnants museum. A little bit too much propaganda, but a firm reminder of the countries stern and recent history. We wander back to Rich and Lucy's hotel, which is in a much more lively (it's relative!) area of the city. Stop for a drink, and plan out the next few days, even trying to relax you are constantly hassled by street vendors, quickly you have to ignore them, even catch them in the eye and they won't leave you alone! A spot of dinner and a relax in the evening, come 10:30 pm I'm out like a light.

I'm surprised to have slept right through till 8am and this morning - well it feels like morning! I go down for an impressive breakfast, 4 courses, then go back to join Rich and Lucy, today I've booked into their hotel, the room is a cell, but at 12 quid a night, I don't really care! We head down to the river - I'm filled with romantic notions of cafe bars and restaurants - the reality is a quite different, it's a wide working river and judging by the sheer number of ships, quite deep as well. Closer to the shore, there are people what I can only assume is fishing, but the water is so muddy I can't really tell. We stop for a drink - no sunglasses thanks - then lunch - seriously we don't want the glasses - then a coffee via the other Notre Dame cathedral and colonial post-office. There's a heavy French influence in Saigon, due to there occupation of the country at some point in history (god I've read my guide books well!).

We've booked four days of excursions for the princely sum of about 35quid - that includes accommodation, three of those on the Mekong Delta traveling up the river, eventually ending in Cambodia - don't expect posts! Rich has shown me a picture he took of me, I look pastey and English, it's not a good look! Well we're off to dinner shortly so that's it for today!

Look I don't want the f***ing sunglasses.

Brief Encounter

2010-01-20T00:06:00.003Z

Well actually it's got nothing to do with briefs at all. It's just I'm in a weird point of transit in Bangkok! With an hour to burn. I've showered, coffeed, technically it's midnight UK time, but less of that I'm on holiday an in the immortal words of last years Eurovision entry for the UK, this is 'My Time' My moment etc, etc.

Anyway I'm on holiday in Vientam and Cambodia for 2 weeks so I thought I'd resurrect the blog. And you all thought I'd given up on it! Fools.

Doctor, Noooooo.

2008-12-11T21:33:00.005Z

In case you didn't know, I'm suffering at the moment, I mean REALLY suffering. It's serious, I've had to take time off work and everything, which I never do.

I'm finally on antibiotics, but the symptoms have been ghastly, and what I had to go through to get the pharmaceuticals was, well, unusual. I went to the local doctors surgery only to find it's closed on a Thursday afternoon, so people don't get sick then then, apparently. So I went to the chemists and they recommended a local private doctor, I rang him and he told me 'no appointment was necessary' the alarm bells should have been ringing.

So I arrive at the 'doctors', denoted by a sign hanging on the door of a property that otherwise looks like a normal terraced house. I sit and wait in a 1970's style lounge which is lit by a single bulb in the corner of the room. I'm alone. Shortly the doctor comes out an asks me into his 'surgery', which in reality is the kitchen of this house, honestly.

I feel like I'm on set of some dodgy soap (that would be more preferable) there's a few medical props dotted around, but mostly it's a kitchen. He conducts a few doctory type tests, listens to my chest etc. then without warning pokes his fingers hard into my eyes 'does that hurt?', 'you just poked me in the eye of course it did', 'good', he then proceeded to write me out the prescription, well if that's what it takes to get drugs these days, I suppose it's better than a poke in the eye, oh no wait.

The Heat Is On

2008-12-03T13:40:00.003Z

I've just been reading about the 'amazing Sweatz Vest' on Amazon, intrigued I read one of their customer reviews of the product:

" I've lost four inches off my chest and two inches off my waist, now some of the fatty's at work are inspired and are taking up exercise with your Sweatz Vest. I believe your 'vests' have contributed to my weight loss, and as a result I promote your product."

Well what a nice person, 'the fatty's at work', inspiration for everyone I feel.

Scary Babies... Continued

2008-11-24T18:11:00.002Z

As if that freakish baby I saw in the Sunday supplement wasn't enough, this is what I saw Christmas shopping a few weeks ago. Vacuum-packed-anatomically-correct devil babies. I mean look at the horrific fuckers, no question, these definitely come alive at night and crawl round the store in their clear plastic wrappers. FACT.

Now I'm Scared!

2008-11-11T09:27:00.002Z

Just in case you needed proof that I actually have entered Sven into the Eurovision competition for next year, here it is, 100% genuine I promise!

God what have I done?

I Hate Umbrellas: An Occasional Series, A Permanent Anger

2008-11-10T09:41:00.002Z

Yes, yes, yes, I know I've ranted about them before, but...

It's pissing it down in London this morning and the brolly brigade are out in force. Watching them, avoiding them, nay hating them I've realised something, the people who use them are selfish, that's right, completely self-absorbed bastards. Think about it the umbrella is designed for one person, it's their own little protective world and before you bark on at me about golf umbrellas and how you could probably fit a whole Vietnamese family under one of them, have you ever seen anyone try do that? No I thought not, there's another whole special pot of anger for golf umbrellas frankly and the utter, utter, c*nts who tote them in my face down t'narrow street o'London.

I know I shouldn't be upsite by such trivialities, but I am, I enjoy the rain, I enjoy being a little bit damp, it helps me connect with nature and not hide away from it like those pricks under cover.

Cherish The Thought

2008-11-09T08:44:00.004Z

Look at this frightening thing being advertised in one of the weekend supplements, it's not so much the picture as the description that accompanies it, as follows completeley unedited:

'The beauty of God's handiwork takes our breath away, as we marvel at the details in this newborn baby girl's exquisite face... her delicate wisps of hair... her long, supple fingers... her tiny, wrinkled feet. Still slightly flushed from the miracle of birth, she snuggles happily in your arms and waits for you to give her a name. Then all you need to do for her is... Cherish her.'

I mean seriously what the f**k, who is this crap being targetted exactly? Even more frightening is who the f**k is actually buying this shit. What dark hole in their life is this masking, I would say filling, but no way, this is for someone with 'issues' and some shitty little doll ain't gonna fix that I'm afraid!

A Spot of Bother

2008-11-05T09:22:00.002Z

I know I probably shouldn't even be posting this and I've deliberately not included a picture (trust me it would have been gross). I squeezed a spot yesterday and never before have I seen so much puss, it was disgusting. I even squeezed again and even more came out, it was revolting and now I have an unsightly blemish on my face and no amount of concealer can hide this hideous crater.

Sven For Eurovision 2009

2008-11-04T10:10:00.002Z

Hands up who wants Sven to represent the UK in Moscow at the 2009 Eurovision Song Contest?

Okay, okay, settle down class, while rumours abound of Sven's demise, here is a cold hard fact; the BBC are inviting anyone, yes anyone, to sing for the UK in next year's competition. I think we all know what that means.

So who's with me.... er Sven.

Gym'll Fix It / Stacking It On

2008-10-26T20:21:00.002Z

Not that I imagine anyone else reading this will care a bean, but this week has been a week of firsts for me in the gym. Three sessions, in each one I achieved something new. First time I did pull-ups unassisted, first time I did all the weights in the chest press stack (100kg) and finally the first time I did all the weights on the leg press stack(190kg).

All I can say is nnnnnaraarghh.

Beside The Seaside...

2008-10-19T12:34:00.001Z

Oh I do like to be beside the seaside, this is why. I really love it when a storm is brewing, great for brushing the cobwebs away as well!

Man Sandwich

2008-10-16T13:41:00.001Z

Just seen on the menu at a cafe 'Man-Wich'. Just walked away with a slap around the chops.

Credit Due

2008-10-16T13:29:00.002Z

Never before has the phrase 'Credit Due where Credit's Due' fitted more literally than it does in this little slot here, let me explain:

Two friends owed me some cash, for anonymity let's call them Mr. Ollins and Mr. Amberton, both with completely separate reasons, yet both on the same day and completely unknown to one another decide to give the payment references comedy text.

I have to say that it is actually rather clever of them both, I'd certainly never thought of doing that. So now I have a credit from both 'Wicker Baskets' and 'Dirty Trade', more fool them.

Put A Barbie On The Burger

2008-10-09T08:17:00.002Z

I found myself with some time to burn in Milton Keynes last weekend (don't ask), so I decided to have a little mooch around the shops, as I passed by, PASSED BY, a toy shop, I noticed a horrific image of Barbie in a McDonald's outfit, my god won't somebody please think of the children. Having said that, small child in photo looks very happy.

Two foul companies now in bed with one another promoting yet another evil ideal to the next generation. Never worked on me mind, when I was in my first year of primary school, I guess about 6, I used to run into the play area at break time and stuff all the girls dolls under a huge cushion, then I would perch myself on it for the entire break so I wouldn't be bothered by them, girls AND dolls I mean. Sorry I knew I was gay when?

Who's Line Is It Anyway?

2008-09-30T08:23:00.002Z

I'm totally freaked out this morning, just merrily walking along listening to Elton singing 'Are You Ready For Love', as it reaches the chorus I find myself singing along out loud and at that very same moment that I sing the title, my eyes catch a National Lottery poster in a shop window that reads 'Are You Ready?' I mean that is just freaky right?

Hear Me Now

2008-09-19T08:47:00.004Z

Need I say more..... (Matt comments please!)

Portion O'Pork Anyone?

2008-09-19T08:47:00.002Z

Saw this wonderful sign at a local pub the other week. Well I'm sure you can all read what it says, all written on a bed sheet too.

Cause For Concern?

2008-09-18T08:24:00.003Z

Either this was the worlds most stupid terrorist on the tube this morning or just some poor buggers complimentary corporate convention backpack. I'm going for the latter but either way I wanted to alight the train pretty sharpish when I looked over and read the words:

'GlaxoSmithKline: Pediatric Infectious Diseases'

'nuff said.

Mosquito Must Go

2008-09-14T19:29:00.002Z

I am currently been driven to the brink of insanity by a bloody mosquito (me on the brink now that's a worry, just how far is that exactly?).

Anyway they keep buzzing round my face, my beautiful face, trying to take a suck at me, why isn't dating (what do I know about dating) this easy? Already in the course of writing two sentences in this entry I've had to get up and try and swat the fuck twice. The worse part is I now keep thinking I'm seeing and hearing them everywhere I go in the house, I am acting like bit of a fruit loop.

The problem is though, I do keep getting bitten by them and the bites itch like buggery (note: buggery shouldn't actually itch unless something is seriously wrong). There's one upstairs in my bedroom right now, I've been trying to catch it all day but some how it keeps eluding me. The worse part is being woken by the sound of a high-pitched whine right by my ear in the middle of the night (straight couples reading this insert some sort of clichéd joke along the lines of 'Ha! You should try sleeping next to my wife/husband/boyfriend/girlfriend').

Apparently it's only the females that bite, that figures (ooo sexist) and you know where I got that nugget of 'science' knowledge from, the 1995 movie Mosquito it's a terrible B-Movie, which they keep showing on the Sci-Fi channel. So anyway as I wrap this blog entry, the creature is still at large and I have just slapped the side of my face as it came in again.

Congratulations...

2008-09-07T10:30:00.001Z

... to my great buddy Smahman, who now has an ickle Smahboy. Congratulations and jubilations etc, etc....

Blooming Marvellous

2008-09-05T08:52:00.002Z

Well I showed my true gay colours in the pub last night and I'm proud of it.

I was in a pub owned by a friend-of-a-friend, clearly straight and blokey but trying to make his pub more appealing by adding a touch of colour in the form of flowers on the bar. I pointed out that they were terribly arranged and particularly the side facing the entrance, what would people think!?

I asked him if I might re-arrange the flowers for him and, let's face it, he was either going to say yes, or knock me out, fortunately I was granted the former and I set to work. In just a few minutes I had the arrangement sorted, wreaking of style and taste, with balance and volume, a display sure to please any customer.

Sod-U-OK?

2008-08-27T22:01:00.002Z

Alright don't ask me how, I mean it's probably a fad or something, but in the last few weeks during the journey home, I've just started doing some of those Soduko puzzles in the free London papers.

Okay, so I'm new at it, but I have managed to finish a few of them and yesterday I just happened the woman sat next to me looking across at my finished puzzle and checking off her answers, I laughed.

Two Teas Dear

2008-08-22T09:01:00.003Z

God went into the kitchen this morning, actually it wasn't God it was me, well I mean as far as I know it was me, and saw two cups of the most revolting looking tea I had ever seen, thick with milk and tea bag floating in the concoction, at first I thought maybe they've been here all night, then I touch the mug and discover they are piping.

Naturally I run back to get my phone and picture these foul creations, I mean the milk has curdled and no one in their right mind should touch them, yet 5 mins later, the evidence has disappeared.

End The Week As You Meant To Start It

2008-08-22T08:25:00.002Z

Well I can't begin to explain how exhausted I am after the amount of work I've done this week, now I know how this quarry feels, men constantly taking away from an ever growing hole.

By the end of today I'll have clocked up nearly sixty hours, that's almost double the usual weekly working hours. I'm looking forward to a long weekend and a BIG wank.

(Pictured: An Exhausted Bauxite Mine in Grebnik, Kosovo. Mining began in 1966 and ceased in 1990, owing to the deteriorating political climate. For this story in full and a mine of other useful Kosovo mining facts, extract yourself some information at http://www.kosovo-mining.org/)

Oh Fantasy Free Me

2008-08-17T12:46:00.002Z

I've been invited by the people I'm working with at the moment to take part in their fantasy football league, straight boys play that game too do they? Fancy that.

What's that you want another topless picture of Ronaldo, oh alright, if you insist...

Rock Horror!

2008-08-15T21:20:00.002Z

Has anyone else heard that MTV are planning to remake The Rocky Horror Picture Show, with new songs and everything. Disgraceful, you never meddle with a classic. FACT!

I was pleased to hear via 'Random Acts of Violets' though that Richard O'Brien is firmly NOT involved with the project.

That Sync'ing Feeling

2008-08-15T21:17:00.003Z

To all my adoring blog readers, I'd welcome any suggestions for any more songs I can create dodgy lip sync videos to! In case anyone doesn't know, I restrict the filming to my mobile phone, that is the only criteria!

At What Price?

2008-08-15T21:15:00.003Z

Anyone else seen that program advertised 'Designer Vagina'?

What a bunch of twats.

Feeling Left Out?

2008-08-13T22:44:00.004Z

Happy left-handed day. We are a unique, creative, and talented bunch, apparently, more left-handed people pass their driving test first time than right-handed people and us lefties are more prone to pyschotic illness, hmm, well I should be alright! So come celebrate with us, it is our right, er I mean left, or do I?

FYI FYR

2008-08-05T08:40:00.002Z

Apparently the Former Yugoslav Republic has been mis-represented in Michael Palin's latest travel documentary New Europe, according to the Metro this morning.

Apparently it included 'an inaccurate account account of the Balkan Wars in the 1990's'.

A complaint has been upheld by the BBC trust in relation to 'accuracy and impartiality' the action taken by the BBC Chairman is 'to tell programme makers to check their facts and not to mislead viewers', er shouldn't they have been doing that anyway?

Dolly Gosh

2008-08-05T08:36:00.002Z

Not only do I dream of Genie, I now dream of Dolly Parton impersonators, yes impersonators not even the real Dolly.

File Cher

2008-08-04T22:09:00.005Z

I couldn't help myself, I had to do another video. I'm very proud of it and thank you to all the contributors, knowing and er well those I filmed secretly on my telephoto lens. Telephoto lens on a mobile? Yes on a mobile? Shut up it's a joke, oh and by the way it doesn't really work written down. Fuck you. Oh enjoy anyway...

How Many Times... No.

2008-08-04T22:06:00.001Z

No.

Lucky Bitches

2008-08-02T17:26:00.002Z

I'm currently on a short away break visiting the parentals in Cornwall (they're not the lucky ones by the way) and despite how ghastly the weather has been it's always nice to catch up with everyone I still know down here.

Anyway today I've been dragged along by my brother to a country show, he's sponsored an event here and his girlfriend is doing something 'horsey' and has also brought her dogs along to take part in the 'amateur' dog show. I'm always quite wary of these provincial events, where 'just a bit of fun' is taken scarily seriously. I'm sorry to say my brothers girlfriend, as lovely as she is, is one of these people, but by no means the only one.

It starts with criticism of the judges, apparently she's choosing the dogs that are most like her own, rather than being independent. Now just so you know (the background to the story, I find it helps) Kelly: bro's girl, owns two Springer Spaniels, one male, one female, the male she rescued from a 'sleepy needle' at the veterinary surgery where she works. The poor dog has the canine equivalent of special needs and as such is quite timid around people, although he did seem to take a shine to me, so Kelly enters him into one of the categories but he runs back to her leaving the boy handler unaware he is just holding a lead.

In her determination to win something, well a rosette, she swaps dogs, hoping that the judge won't notice the change in sex, she comes fourth. Kelly then decides that she will keep entering the same female dog throughout the categories just switching her sex and back story as necessary. While this is going on I also catch another participant criticising one family for putting their child up as handler, thus trumping them for 'cute' points, "they're supposed to be judging the bitch, not the boy. Bastards". It's no wonder Christopher Guest saw the comedy potential in dog owners.

Finally the category of Best Rescue Dog comes up, she decides she will enter the actual male dog in this, apparently he's so pathetic he's guaranteed to win this category. He lives up to his reputation, he doesn't even stand up, it's an oscar-winning "I nearly went to doggy heaven" performance. He's done it, he's beaten small child with Jack Russell, fat man with poodle (honestly) and girl. Jack (the dog) is presented with his prize pink rosette (pictured), my brother decides to sport it while we wander around the rest of the show.

Later at the burger bar when he gets a tea (my brother, not the dog), the lady asks him what the rosette is for, he explains Best Rescue Dog category, she declares to us both that she can't help herself but rescue animals, "I've got 46 of them", I simply respond "where do you get your burgers from?".

Mash It Up

2008-07-28T21:54:00.002Z

If anyone has ever seen Ferris Buller's Day Off, this is brilliant, it just goes to show how editing can completely change the meaning of something! It's very funny however.

Get Into The Groove (Armada)

2008-07-21T21:23:00.002Z

I might have to rename my blog Lush Life as it seems the only thing I find worth writing about, or maybe All The Reasons Why I'm Going To Hell.

Any way confession over (bless) I went to Lovebox this weekend and tobe honest I have mixed feelings about it. Unquestionably the best part was hanging out with Brenna and meeting her very good mates, sadly the line-up did not impress me much. To be fair I think this was partially our own fault, we literally stood in one spot the whole time from 4 till 10:30, but then the acts we were most interested in seeing were on the main stage.

The first act the Ladywhites: NEXT. Followed by nearly 40 minutes of silence from the stage - in hindsight this would have been the opportune time to look around the rest of the festival, instead we played my favourite game, drink the beer, or rather cider. Next up is The Human League, who are an improvement and towards the end (when they start playing songs we recognise) the crowd start to liven up with classics Tell Me When and, as I predicted, they conclude with Don't You Want Me Baby.

This time they do fill some of the intermediate time with beat box-er Beardy Man, he is brilliant, I've seen him on the web before and the sounds that one human can create are incredible. What we are discovering by this point is that the bar situation is terrible, there are lots of staff but they are grouped in threes per section, only one is serving while two others are sat at the back taking the cash, which seems pointless and it's already 7 deep at the bar, it takes 30 minutes to get served, by which point the group I really wanted to see have started.

Groove Armada play several of their classic hits and are by far the best act of the night, sadly even their performance is lacking drive and build and the pathetically small fireworks they launch during the set are laughable and remind me of the Glitter Cannons that Alan Partridge launches in his Dante Fireplaces presentation! Still it's great to finally see them live.

The final act of the night is Manu Chow, I've been told by my flat mate that he's very lively 'world' music, I'm optimistic, I've seen some really good live world music, initially he sounds pretty good until we realise every song sounds exactly the same and he plays for two hours. I'm even more gutted when I found out afterwards that 2 Many DJ's (a superb DJ outfit) were playing elsewhere in the festival despite not being named on the bill.

When it finally finishes I'm ready to leave and party with my new found friends, oh yeah and it's my other flatmates birthday party, maybe I should try and get to that too... oops!

Turn Water Into Whine

2008-07-17T18:31:00.002Z

Oh my god has anybody else seen the ridiculous 'Celebrity Slimming Water' that's on sale in Tesco's at the moment, the point of sale advertising invites you to 'drink yourself slim' used by celebrities, apparently , obviously none prepared to endorse the product though.

The saddest part though was the 8 or 9 year old child begging her mum to buy her a bottle. Oh dear lord, I wanted to shout at the top of my voice "JUST DRINK FUCKING WATER" but the store is quite convenient for home and I don't want to get black listed in another shop.

I will try and get a picture to add to this post next time I'm there, it is utterly ludicrous.

Carry On Regardless

2008-07-08T22:16:00.002Z

To those people who've recently read my blog and criticised it as 'self-indulgent crap' to other people and not to me.

Thank you.

O2 Behave

2008-07-08T20:43:00.003Z

I'm referring of course to the o2 Wireless Festival that was on in London's Hyde Park this Saturday and yes it was a boozy affair, but you know that already. We were lucky enough to be attending this event VIP courtesy of my great mate Tash who works for Orange (and yet it's O2?) How queer? Well it's not really queer it was just a blag on her part courtesy of Kiss FM, but it sounded better, two business rivals, well it didn't cos I didn't even really write it that well (more Sauvignon please). Not only were we gifted free booze and food as VIP's, we were gifted fine weather as well, these factors alone are enough to redeem an otherwise so so day.

We've settled ourselves into a table near the bar, Tim and I discuss how we always feel like we shouldn't really be somewhere like this when we are and wonder who's lost out because of us, then we look around at the people here and realise most of them are probably blaggers too, so we relax.

As I'm eying up the talent I spot Channel 4's T4 stage, they're filming links and I spot Steve Jones, one of the presenters who a certain friend of mine fancies the pants off. Feeling unable to resist the photo opportunity and a pathetic chance to make my friend jealous via Picture Messaging, I approach him and ask for a photo,
"It's not for me" I tell him "I want to make my friend jealous he really fancies you!'
We both laugh and then he gently places his arms around my firm shoulders. He leans over and whispers in my ear,
"I wrap here in 10, can we go some place private?"
"Oh Steve!" I cry "For god sakes this is V-I-P, how private do you want it? Anyway I said my friend, not me, so unhand me you handsome brute"
As you can see the photo is proof positive all of the above paragraph actually happened. Fact. For the rest of the day I can't shake him so I disappear into the underworld.

Underworld were the first proper act we saw live and they were fantastic, they played for about 90 minutes and they looked like they were enjoying just as much as we were, it was a great visual show and musically amazing. Next up was Fatboy Slim, he was the headline act and as I had predicted before I got there, was not very good. My problem with him is that he always does the same DJ'ing tricks and plays his own samples over and over, I don't want that, I want what's now, what's happening, what's cool, scrub that cool, what are the kids saying these days? Rad, what is rad.

So I wonder around the festival in search of alternative stages only to find they have all closed already, it's 9pm, 9pm and there are no other choices, it's slim pickings when Fatboy's on stage it would seem. My friends are still enjoying it though so I wait for them. Whilst I'm waiting two of my brothers call to ask me if I've forgotten anything, what do they mean, brolly, poncho, parasol, salapets, bolt croppers? I think about it and decide 'No. No I haven't'. Turns out I have it's my big brothers 40th today, oopsie.

Finally I rejoin my friends and it's back to theirs for a chill out, not a bad night really. I spend 9 hours on the sofa on Sunday, it must have been a good day really.

Great Scots

2008-06-30T08:15:00.004Z

Hmm it seems all I post about these days is travelling and being pissed, we here's another one for you. I've just got back (and I literally mean just) from a wedding in Scotland, absolutely fabulous location in the middle of nowhere right next to a Loch.

I have to say being a virgin to Scotland I had a pretty negative image of what the people were going to be like, I'm pleased to say I was proven wrong (unlike the bloody Austrians) very wrong, they're friendly, warm, welcoming and actually quite tasty, it's no wonder the Brits hated them, miserable bunch that we are.

We arrive at our hotel in the wee small hours of Saturday morning, after careful guidance from 'Jane' the Sat Nav in our hire car. The wedding, it turns out, is not the only big event in the area this weekend, to my delight the hotel we're staying in is full of rugged, young, muscly sheep-shearers from around the globe, this weekend is the world champions, fancy that.

I know you'll want to know, big Scottish breakfast, 2 sausages the works. The wedding isn't until 3 so we take a quick driving tour of the surrounding area. We discover a small town with some wonderful falls passing right through the centre of it, we stop for Whiskey, but settle for coffee, when we're told they're not fully licensed.

A quick return to the hotel to get ready and I discover my suit isn't clean, oh well too late to do anything about it now, so much like life I iron out the creases and we're on our way. I have to say I was quite privileged to be asked to be one of the ushers and driving the groom and the best man to the Church, a 700 year old building, possibly dating back further to some time in the Iron age.

The groom being half Italian and the large Scottish family have opted for a full Catholic service including communion, you know the routine, this is my body, eat it, this is my blood, drink it, it's filth. The whole service is performed by an Italian monk who speaks incredibly slowly and clearly loves the sound of his own voice. It's a very dull service and lasts for 2 hours, I'm not good in situations where you have to behave yourself so you can imagine how hard it was not to snigger when he says 'blessed are the meek', it's a line also performed by the Monty Python crew in Life of Brian.

Thankfully the service does conclude and we're all in convoy back to Theresa's parents house, where a marquee has been set up for the breakfast and evenings entertainments. I'm put on a table with no one I know, I'm not happy, fortunately a few glasses of wine later and I don't care. I'm chatting to an incredibly posh lady who introduces herself as 'Helen Holland', I'm chatting away to her about photography (she's clocked my huge lens) and how no one prints pictures these days 'I do' I tell her and then we both regale at my witty wedding pun. We go on to talk about dumbing down of the news on the BBC and standards in broadcasting in general, I'm in way over my head.

After an exquisite meal she drags me onto the dance floor, well when I say drag she's barely finished inviting me and I'm up, and teaches me the Highland Reel, after a few turns by Jove I think I've got it! The highland band finishes a few too many songs late in my opinion and I'm delighted to be able to bust a few moves when the DJ starts, that's not all I bust. Despite how empty AND large the dance floor is, I manage to fall right into the DJ's speaker stand tucked into the corner, crash goes the speaker and the lights on top, for a moment I refuse to believe it's me that's done it, then I'm told otherwise. As a DJ myself I know the guy won't be happy, despite how nice he's being, I give him all the money I have as an offer of good will (£30), I think to myself 'shall I take a picture for the blog? No too soon', the DJ announces there will now be fireworks outside, through one speaker.

Thankfully the rest of the night is fun and no more damage is incurred, we head back to the hotel and the sheep shearers are plastered, the hotel won't give us any more booze, so we nick a bottle of wine from the store and retire to our rooms.

The following day, after a brief 'casual' lunch (I'll be the judge), we head back to the airport, I'm not allowed to drive I've drunk too much at lunch, it doesn't stop me getting into an argument with Jane though (Sat Nav). We get back to the airport to find our flight is cancelled, bloody easyJet, I have to be at work tomorrow, no question, so we make a mad dash in a cab to the train station, we have 55 minutes to catch the last London train. The tickets are £100 each, we'll be sending those into easyJet thank you very much.

Oh god I'm bored of this post now, but the train journey is beautiful and with some fine Scottish single malt even better!

Day 19: A brief reflection

2008-06-22T18:35:00.002Z

Okay, okay, so the blog of the Vienna job is over but I have another dedication to make, in the style of 'Ode to Smithy' this is dedicated to, as he would put it, 'such a wonderful producer' Pete Spring, and how we shan't be working together for such a long time!

Just to give it a bit of background, when I'm normally busy editing something in the suite, Pete is busy entertaining me with downloads from YouTube, now he is one! Enjoy.

Day 18: So long, farewell

2008-06-20T18:32:00.007Z

I was going to call this post the Grand Finale, but I've started before I've finished (the day that currently is) so don't really know how it's going to end, if at all. I've packed my bags already in anticipation of a big night tonight, I'm hoping for a final blow out, (don't worry I have every intention of providing a full account of what happens later this evening), but for now I shall look back, reminisce even.

Well looking immediately back at the last 12 hours at least, I've been at work, it's my final day and there's nothing to report. I meant to mention in yesterdays post some fuckers at work riding those micro-scooters around the complex here, they really irritate me and while I don't wish them to have a misfortune, I would like to see one of them fall off. I've had mixed feelings about this job, it's been amazing to strengthen friendships and build bonds with people I've known only through work before now and to rekindle those great friends from years back (you know who you are), these are things that are very important to me as an individual.

I've been spoiled as well to have had so many days off and see this part of Europe, despite my love hate relationship with the Austrians I'd be a pretty bitter individual to not have at least enjoyed some of the country!

Work itself has sadly proved to be less than strenuous, in my professional life I always enjoy a challenge and being put in situations where I need to come up with ideas, solutions or whatever on my feet, that's not really been the case here. The unpredictable nature of football has meant the Croatia Turkey game has not only gone to extra time but penalties as well, that's bad news for my night out.

We get back to the hotel at 1 am everyone else is there and still up for a night out. Five cabs are ordered to ferry us all into town, the fact that I have to be up at 8:30am for the airport doesn't bother me, it's time to say goodbye properly. I think there is some skepticism as to how long we'll last, but needless to say we last.

The night is highly enjoyable, everyone's on good form and much drink is consumed, it's not long before it 5am and I'm pole dancing in some seedy club, i'm really going for it, licking it and everything (it's really not sanitary that kind of thing is it). Eventually we head back to the hotel it's nearly 6, to our surprise the bar is still open (oh who am I kidding after this job of course I'm not surprised) so it's a final round of drinks before I collapse into bed. Goodnight Vienna.

Day 17: A Game of Two Halves

2008-06-19T18:58:00.006Z

After events of recent and given I'm in work all day, I suspect there is going to be little to inspire me to blog today, how wrong I am. Having not gone out last night, I am awoken sometime around 5am by those who did, there's a lot of shouting and singing, I haven't seen them but I know who it is. I get up and put the deadlock down on my door, I've no idea what they're up to, but I'd rather not be a part of it.

Later on at work I discover one of the guys in the office had fallen victim to one of their drunken pranks, Smithy (the supposed nice guy from my former post) has Knighty's room key and has invited everyone up from the lobby bar to picture him on his bed, in the raw. Apparently there is something like 12 people in his room, all with their cameras out, you can imagine his annoyance, maybe this is Smithy's idea of revenge for what Knighty did with his laptop.

I'm not surprised that no one but me has made breakfast this morning, in fact the breakfast room is much quieter than usual. I have to get to the laundry this morning to settle up my account, when I arrive they tot up my bill, it's 40 euros for two washes, I'm disgusted yet unable to express this in German, that's nearly 35 quid what a bunch of bastards, I try and express this through the medium of dance (well hands flapping), "bitte" and a smile is the response, yeah I bet your smiling, 40 euros and a free touch of my pants.

I call in at the Spar shop on the way to work, it's been bit of a custom for people to buy shared food for the office that we can all pick at. I gather together the usual items, crisps, biscuits, confectionery then I spot these delightful things:

I'm not exactly sure what they are, kittens shits? Naturally I feel these are a must for the food table and purchase them. Later at work when they're opened I discover they look about as appetising as they sound, surprisingly they are quite tasty and when I pop back in later they've all gone, just a little kitty litter left on the table.

I speak to Matt in the evening, and tell him pretty much everything I've posted today, he seems impressed I've used a literary reference in my previous blog, it suddenly dawns on me I've been far too clever trying to make literary references, I'm not well read, and my bluff has been called, well kind of. I explain that I didn't really know much about the work of Dickens, but did find out from my 'research' (Wikipedia) that Dickens published his work in monthly installments, hey I'm posting daily, eat shit Dicken's (if that is your name).

Finally (I've lost my notes for this entry - yes I'm making notes what of it) for this post I thought I'd upload another of the promo's I've done out here, unfortunately they are the only really creative things we get to cut. I've managed to make the file size smaller so it should play a bit better than the last one. I'm sure there is more to add to this post so do come back and check it, I know you will.

Day 16: A Tale of Two Cities

2008-06-18T20:59:00.018Z

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times"

What the Dickens, a literary quote?

I know, it's very scary dear reader, I knew the quote, but never what book it was from. Okay so the only reason I have found out now is because I went online to see if I could find something witty, sharp and cutting to say about the title of this post and pass it off as my own. Instead what I discover is that not only is this book by Charles Dickens, but it has a great opening line that really sums up my time here in Austria. Shame then the book is about Paris and London (thanks Wikipedia). Therefore I have no choice but to start this post again.

Day 16: Brat Camp

I decide to try again with the good intentions I had on Monday, doing something of worth before I leave, I'm pleased to report that today I've been successful. It's my last day off before I return to England so Paul and I decide we are going to take the Twin City Liner river catamaran to the Slovak Republic. Bratislava and Vienna are the two closest capitals in Europe only 60km apart and both situated on the Danube, so the journey even by boat is a little over an hour.

We arrive at the departure point in good time but are held in a queue for 20 minutes, only one window is open at the kiosk and it's slow service. 7 minutes before departure they open a second window, we're served but told there is only one seat left, the next boat is at 16:30 (it's nearly 12:30 now). We ask if we can book a seat on the return journey from Bratislava instead ''i'm sorry it is full, we have tickets on the 22:30'', travelling by boat at night seems a little pointless ''maybe there will be cancellations on the 18:30" he continues, we ask if that is an option and he explains that at the captains discretion 12 seats on the top deck are released an hour before departure time. It's a beautiful day so we decide we'll try our luck when we get there and start to make our way to Bratislava by train using our accreditation.

We arrive at the Sudbahnhoff and it's feels like we've been thrown back to some nasty, dark, communist type era, it's quite a depressing building (although the picture doesn't do it justice) and far removed from the other remarkable buildings in Vienna. We're given all sorts of strange directions to our train, take the stairs up a level and turn left, when they actually mean go downstairs and take a right, we're both very confused and then it dawns on me, it's Wednesday, of course, opposite Wednesdays, how foolish of me.

A few ascents and descents, lefts and rights and we finally find what we're fairly certain is the train to Bratislava, as pointed out here by Paul.

We climb aboard and settle into our sumptuous 1st class seats, I take a look around and realise they are no different to 2nd class, oh well.

Whenever I find myself at points of transit in foreign countries be it airports, railway stations whatever, I always have a sense of excitement and anticipation about moving on, much like i'm in one of Michael Palin's travel documentaries, today is no different, even though I know I'm coming back again.

When we arrive at the main station in Bratislava it's in an even worse state than the one in Vienna, yet somehow I feel it has much more character, much more of a story to tell, this is probably aided the train covered in graffiti stood at the next platform.

As we walk into town we pass several beautiful buildings that have fallen into a poor state of repair, one in particular is in a terrible condition, the roof is missing tiles and all the exterior rendering is cracked, it could easily be a five star hotel but I much prefer it's faded grandeur. A short distance further and we discover a building that is immaculate, it's the Presidential Palace and we're lucky enough to witness changing of the guards. They're all in their military colours, but neither Paul or I are convinced that their sunglasses are military issue.

The tourist information we have for the city promotes itself as 'The Big Little City', we're rapidly discovering Bratislava IS a small city, we walk another kilometre on and arrive at the castle, I can't remember what it was called, but I can recall that the information in the leaflet said there had been documented settlement on the site in the Little Carpathians since the Iron Age (yes Jon that's true) and almost certainly before due to it's strategic location in central Europe. The leaflet also said that the silhouette of the castle at night was reminiscent of an upturned table, now that's my kind of fact.

The view over Bratislava from the castle is beautiful, I always like seeing cities from a higher vantage point, I enjoy getting a sense of it's topography and the different buildings that characterise it. We walk down from here to into the old city to explore further.

The old town is incredibly beautiful and very clean, it obviously helps that it's a beautiful sunny day, but I'm taken by the colours of the buildings and the more modest size and styling of the architecture in general to that of Vienna, it's more like, a me kind of city, like you know? I'm also pleased to see the restaurateurs have taken a sensitive and sympathetic approach to their environment, it's all very tasteful and there isn't a touch of neon anywhere (and I still like it). It seems such a shame when you realise this place gets swamped at the weekends by stag and hen do's from the rest of Europe.

Slovakia is still reasonably cheap compared to the rest of Europe, I've taken out 500 Koruna but have no idea how much money this actually is, I have to text Matt to find out, he kindly informs me it's £13.10p in the market today. We stop for a quick drink before continuing our tour, when we move on we discover a small group of musicians warming up for a performance, we stop and watch them for a moment or two, I'm thrilled when I recognise the songs as show tunes from My Fair Lady, why didn't I think of that musical on Monday night, oh I'm a good girl I am.

It's getting late so we decide to head down to the river to see if we can get tickets for the boat, the weather is still good so we're optimistic. I'm told we have to wait 10 minutes before he will speak to the captain, there are other tourists lurking near the ticket booth, desperate I suspect to get their dirty hands on these tickets too, we're in position 1, I'm not budging, we must have those tickets, I feel like Veruca Salt, I'm going to get on that boat if it kills me, or the captain says no, either way is good (well actually that's bad really isn't it?).

The 10 minute waits feels like forever (when it lasts 10 minutes), finally the guy calls the captain, "ya hallo"
something in Slovak
"ya"
what are they saying?
"ya"
This is agony
"oh ya, okay"
We're in, the captain is going to let us hop aboard tonight.
"Er Dan"
"Yes Paul"
"I don't have my passport"
Paul has made an illegal entry into another country without his passport.
"Bye"
Of course I don't really say bye, I tell him to just get a ticket and blag it, there almost certainly won't be any border control on the way back if there wasn't on the way in.

The boat departs and quickly reaches it's cruising speed of 50kmph, it's overtaking everything on the river, it certainly is exhilarating being on top (and these are the cheap seats?).

It takes little over an hour to get back to Vienna, it seems a shame to have spent so little time in such a beautiful city, I make a resolve to return. As we disembark Paul identifies two officials with the word Policez on their jackets, he has no choice but to make excuses, fortunately a little white lie about not needing it on the way out is enough to appease them, well that and the queue of people behind him.

We return to the hotel via the go-karts in the park, there are rumours there is going to be a big night tonight as several people are flying home tomorrow, both Paul and I are tired and want to go to bed, not together of course, to our own beds.

I get to my room, hurrah I've finally resisted a late night out, I decide to write up todays blog entry, when I finish I look at the clock and realise it's 2am. Damn.

Day 15: Big Nothing

2008-06-18T20:43:00.002Z

Well I'm at work on time, that's a little bit of a result right there, and it's busy today, very busy. So this work nonsense that is getting in the way of F-U-N is practically intolerable, oh well I'm off again tomorrow I shall simply have to have double fun then, oh and maybe pop to Bratislava for the day.

Day 14: Danny In Wonderland.

2008-06-17T10:55:00.014Z

The day starts with good intention, as they all do, today I'm DEFINITELY not partying (don't read ahead and spoil it), today is THE day I culture myself up, fact. It has to happen and there is plenty planned for today to make sure it does. I've made breakfast in exceptionally good time, I've sorted my laundry, I uploaded the extra pics and stuff to the blog, nothing can go wrong. Nothing.

First things first, a run, I am absolutely stunned at how much weight I've accumulated after 2 months of living away from home, my trainer will not be impressed, he might even laugh at me, he did last time. I hit my first snag of the day, well more like a root actually, and I find myself limping back to the hotel, only to see 5 fresh-faced colleagues from work all limbering up for their morning sabbatical.

Determined to continue in the spirit of the day (the good bit, not the injuring myself bit) I make ready for a trip to the KunstHaus Wien, careful how you're saying that now, it's been recommended to me by my flatmate. I've checked on the map, it's a short distance from the hotel and despite the minor injury, I'm going to walk it.

It's a nice hot day and the Austrians haven't upset me too much in recent days, I've had a good night's sleep and there is no hangover, one might almost say I had a spring in my step, except it's more of a limp. I cross the river and find the museum/gallery with no real problems.

The exterior of the building is quite unsual, it's design is supposed to challenge modern architectural conventions, this continues inside, however I'm not allowed to take pictures. The floors are deliberately curvy and uneven and the whole building has an arty-rustic feel to it.

The building purposely has trees growing out of the window as a message to society that, historically, the construction of cities and dwellings for mankind is often to the detriment of nature and it reminds us that it is nature that gives us life, clean air, light and shade, it's all very worthy.

Inside the gallery it's all a little same-y for my liking and I couldn't actually recollect any picture individually this morning, only that they were bright and colourful. Upstairs is an exhibition by a photographer called Guy Bourdin, a fashion photographer of note during the 50's, 60's & 70's. It's mainly a private collection of photos and fashion prints from Vogue. The copy in the museum would have me believe they are 'provocative, challenging images' I simply think they are sexualized images of women, verging on the pornographic and I don't much care for them. After a few hours of looking around I leave, pleased I've seen it but not feeling anymore enlightened. Outside mind I take a picture of this bollard and on review realise that I also may have captured my very own provocative image.

I decide to take a quick trip to one of the cities big shopping streets, I get there and it's busy, already the streets are teaming with Austrian and German football fans. In amongst the hustle and bustle I find I want retail shelter as soon as possible, yet some how completely bypass the Diesel store, it must be the heat, I dive into a department store for some air conditioning, you can imagine my sheer shock/joy when standing right ahead of me is none other than Cristiano Ronaldo, I'm staring at him and actually can't look anywhere else, I can't believe it's him.

Of course it turns out it isn't him, well at least I worked out it couldn't possibly be him. He's currently in Switzerland for the quarter-finals of the Euro's, so why would he be in a bog-standard department store in Vienna buying a Nike t-shirt, particularly when he's sponsored by them, but he was his double. I decide to head back to the hotel for a cold shower, the crowds and the midday sun are too hot and so is lookie-likie Ronaldo.

Myself and a few work colleagues meet at the stadium in the evening for the Austria v Germany match, we've got commentary position seats. It's going to be a great game, if the Austrians can by some fluke beat them they'll be through to the quarter-finals. I find it quite strange that one punter is deep in a book while everyone else is piling into the stadium.

After an hour and a half of trying to find out where we were supposed to pick up our tickets from we're in. The seats are great, I suppose they have to be if they're meant for commentators, the atmosphere in the stadium is amazing and the crowd are whipped up I also get a little tingle of excitement when some of the footage I edited is shown on the big screens (and it wasn't even good stuff!).

The match is fairly lack lustre, Austria play terribly and unsurprisingly Germany win with a great goal from Michael Ballack. At the end of the match we make a dart for the hotel, taking advantage of our seat location and getting out of the grounds swiftly. Back at the hotel everyone has reconvened and plans are afoot to head into town, I am ready to make my excuses and head to bed, I have finished my drink and even said goodnight to a few people, I'm working tomorrow, I am being sensible.

I'm not going to blame my other editor friends who came in at that point for what happened next, I had already texted them saying I would wait for them, see what their plans were. No the person I'm going to blame is myself for being so weak willed, I was a short lift journey from bed, I was nearly there, I nearly made it, I was tired, I SHOULD have made it.

I might as well copy what happens next from any of the other posts, we got drunk. To be fair not AS drunk as the other nights, but drunk enough, drunk enough to take these pictures.

Drunk enough to (and this I AM proud of) get everyone singing show tunes, amongst us some of the finest football producers in England all quite 'straight'. The bar has called last orders at least 5 times this evening, except as you'll see from the video below it's no longer this evening, it is very much tomorrow morning in a very real, but sadly not very sobering way.

I feel sorry for the hotel staff, they have been tolerant far and beyond any reasonable level for our sing-in, I'm amazed none of the other guests have complained. It's so late the morning staff have come in and are setting up breakfast, a chant of 'we're all staying for breakfast, we're all staying for breakfast, la la laa laaaa' has been struck up to the tune of "Let's All Do The Conga'. Finally I exhibit a show of strength and gracefully retire to bed, well not without a finale first anyway.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you 'Don't Go Breaking My Heart' to the tune of 'Don't Leave Me This Way' performed at 6am this morning.

Vienna: Additonal Material Pt 1

2008-06-16T08:49:00.013Z

Most of the material here relates back to previous posts and is mostly from other people, this is not todays entry, all I've done is had breakfast and this, I cannot make this point clearly enough this is NOT the main entry for day 14, it hasn't happened yet, I couldn't even attempt to predict the outcome of todays events, not one bit, so don't ask, honestly it's like the paparazzi here, guys, guys, guys, just leave me alone (of course I'd never really say that).

Kev & I share an intimate moment

Stephan The Crazy German & I

We 3 Kings, or rather 1 King & 2 Queens

How did that get in there?

Inner calm and general sense of unease

Our tour guide Shane

The tour group
An important and slightly ambiguous message for us all
Jacko insists on being arrested for being a very 'bad' girl

One of the football promos I did (not great but the most interesting cutting we're doing out here)

Day 12 & 13: Yes it's all coming back to me now

2008-06-15T07:32:00.005Z

Due to the events of last night, the day has largely been written off. I don't get up till 2, it's a pretty shameful show on my part given that I could have been taking advantage of free train travel and escaping the city, instead I have to settle for a crusty old BLT, large Red Bull and a hangover (yet again).

As much as I really want to see him, the prospect of meeting my crazy German friend tonight gives me the fear, I just know as much as I beg, plead and make my excuses he'll want a big one, I however do not.

It is a big one, I'm not impressed (and neither should you be) my hopes of being away from the pack for the night are not realised, walking down the street I bump into one of my work colleagues, they're all heading to a club and we should definitely follow, apparently. We do and it is shite, seriously it is one of the worst clubs I've ever been to, not cosmetically, I mean visually it was quite nice, stylish even, but brim-full of wankers. It's a hip-hop club and all the punters are very much on show, it irritates the crap out of me, especially when the bouncer informs me 'I will have to pay again' if I go outside to help give my friend directions. What astounds me more though is that although my friends from work are hating it as much as I am, no one is making the effort to leave, one guy puts it beautifully when he says 'I would rather eat my face off than stay here' it really is that bad. Perpetuating my anger at the place is one clubber who, despite the low lighting, is wearing shades, fuck-the-fuck-off!

The partying continues well into the night and well past my personal fail-safe time (the time in which I think I can get back and still get enough sleep for my 9 o clock start at work) it does not bode well for the morning. Having danced rather a lot and been on my feet for quite some time, I draw the line at being dragged to our 4th venue of the night, my foot is hurting so much I am actually limping. As soon as I am released from Brenna's grip (she really was dragging me) I make a limp for the cab rank. There are none and a long queue, I decide to try flagging a cab on the other side of the river, I'm in luck, some other people try and get in before me but thankfully the cabbie had stopped for me. I think I try a conversation with him in German, it doesn't go well. Fortunately for him it's only a short distance to the hotel. I remember very little after that point, only that my phone was telling me my alarm was due to go off in 3 hours and 44 minutes

Day 13: 3 hours and 44 minutes later

I awake to the sound of my laptop blaring out random music and my phone alarm. Needless to say I'm not well rested. I drench myself in a futile cold shower and actually realise I could have had another 20 minutes in bed, I also discover evidence that I didn't go straight to sleep, my suspicions are raised upon discovery of an empty packet of Haribo Fizzy Cola Bottles.

Remarkably I do make it down to breakfast AND manage to eat something. I make it into work and am grateful not to be given anything to do for the first hour. This is possibly going to go down as one of THE worse days at work I've ever had. I forge on and upon arrival of Brenna and Paul on the late shift the mood begins to lighten as does my feeling of nausea, perhaps we're all still drunk, our behaviour might suggest so.

We start a game of playing shit music through the intercom (it's supposed to be for essential communication) with YouTube at the ready it's a race to see who can find the worse songs. Betty Boo, Charlene, Backstreet Boys and countless others all make the grade, then the conversation turns very smutty, well mostly anal actually, talking about gay sex and shoving Mars bars down peoples pants when they pass out drunk. I'm also quizzed on whether there is any truth in the reports I was seen 'pashing' a bloke last night, if I was I'd like to know about it too.

Thankfully work is not too vexing, but constant enough to take my mind of the poor state of play today. I enjoy hearing Knighty (another guy in the office) begging Smithy to lend him his laptop again so he can 'speak' to his girlfriend, this from the guy who has already confessed to having a WW (work wank) and when he borrowed it previously had an 'active' call with his girlfriend, all of which has happened in Smithys room and not his own!

I'm grateful when 9pm finally rolls around and I can go back to the hotel. I finish up writing this entry (it's been dribs and drabs throughout the day) I can't believe quite how much has happened in the last 48 hours. Tomorrow I shall post some of the pictures I've received from other people and I'm going to see the Austria v Germany match at the stadium. Should be good!

Day 11: What A Difference A Gay Makes

2008-06-14T15:34:00.006Z

Well I'm off again for two days, I should have been going to Salzburg for the day, but the producer I was going to go with has postponed, the imminent arrival of his wife and the fact that he hasn't done much of the local tourist attractions so far has probably influenced his rethink, well that and the tickets he has for a match there next week.

So instead I meet him and a few others in town for a rather unique guided tour, lead by said producer and aided by his trusty guide book. What you should know about Shane (the producer) is he is very funny, not always intentionally, but you can guarantee whatever he says it will be tinged with a bitter dryness and all delivered in his thick Irish accent. So we start at the cathedral in Stephanplatz, it is stunning inside and has been lit beautifully.

Moving along the tour we take in Mozarts house, the Fleischmarkt (meat market) and no it's not a club and other 'notable points of interest'. We sneak into the Institute of Science where a scientist who looks something like this has just walked out of and informed us of the buildings purpose:

A few chemical experiments later and we pop into another church right next door which contains one of the most stunning pulpits I've ever seen, not that I go into churches much, they always give me a strange burning sensation and the water in the fonts starts bubbling for some reason.

So the tour concludes and we take a late lunch, you can imagine my sheer delight on discovery of this little shop, which by coincidence also tickled Smithy with whom we hadn't yet met up. There are some 'accidental' pictures of me with the sign in the background, but they're on my chums camera so I'll have to wait till I can get a copy to show you.

Next up we head back down to the Fanzone to watch Italy v Romania (god it feels strange writing about football so much!) it's a pretty decent match and Romania are unlucky not to beat the Italians, a draw however is not a great result for my predictor placing though, I had this down as an Italy win. The Town Hall or Rathaus as it's known in Austrian has been beautifully lit and is a great backdrop for the football.

With a certain inevitability the drinking starts, we stay in the Fanzone for the 2nd match of the day Holland v France, it's an absolute belter of a match. I've got Holland to win 2-1 they absolutely storm in a 4 - 1 win, I still get 3 points though for predicting a win. After the matches they have a DJ to keep the crowd going, I'm well on my way and dancing is the order of the day, there is video evidence of this, whether I am brave enough to post it when I am given it is another thing!

So another night out, we head into a rammed bar down by the river, the music is pretty good and we stay there for the duration, Brenna and I are doing our best to 'dance-off' with each other, but it's pretty pokey (the bar). We head back to the hotel sometime after 3 and finish off one of the free bottles of wine from the first week and talk about life in general, god I'm drunk and I have to meet Stephan tomorrow, the crazy German I worked with at the World Cup 2 years ago. Bugger.

Day 11: An Ode to Smithy

2008-06-14T15:16:00.005Z

I dedicate this short video to Smithy, one of the worlds nice-guys, he recently got dumped by his girlfriend of many years but is putting a jolly brave face on it! He's been begging, pleading and even trying to pay me to make a blog entry about him since we've been here, last night he gave me good reason to!

Well actually there's lot's of good reasons to, although he was a bit silly, he went on a ride he didn't want to, knew he wouldn't like, was told it was horrible by someone who'd been on it, but still went on it because he didn't want to lose face with the other boys, needless to say I wasn't so foolish.

Smithy this is for you, keep smiling!

Days 8, 9 & 10: Hit & Miss

2008-06-12T17:43:00.008Z

Apologies for the lateness of this post, I was hoping to put some additional material on the blog, but it hasn't materialised.

The truth is there's not an awful lot to write up when you're coming to the end of 3 days on 12 hour shifts, I mean I woke up each morning, check; I had breakfast every morning, er half-check; I even got to bed early, er check if you mean early in the morning Searle. Yes I'm afraid despite the late finishes there's still been chance to sup a few ales before bed, the great thing about this shift system is there's always someone who's off. I'm even more in respect of some of the team out here who are out every night but back in for work in the morning.

I thought I'd post a sample of one of the few creative things i've had chance to cut out here, but this was the item I couldn't convert so you'll have to wait a few more days sadly.

Also I thought I'd post a picture of the tin-shed hotel we're living in at the moment.

Now back to the Austrians, I think my flatmate summed them up beautifully on the phone earlier this week when she said, 'they're not only rude they want to let you know how rude they're being', perfect, so no things haven't really improved on that front.

Here for your enjoyment was my drunken attempt at introducing some of the crew out here:

And here is the lovely Brenna and I, who have been unfortunate enough to be placed on opposite shifts so rarely get to hang out together which is a shame because she is brilliant.
Oh and one final other thing which I think is hilarious, I am doing really well in the office tournament predictor, which is basically where we all predict the outcome of the matches and score 5 points for right result, right score eg: Germany 2 - 0 Austria (no they haven't played yet I know) but as you'll see from the link I am doing very well:

http://web.mac.com/tonyleeharley/media219/euro2008.html

In fact because I joined in after 2 of the matches I missed out on some points, I'd be 1 point behind the leader if I'd joined at the start! The best part though is Paul 'Reddo' Redman at the bottom is one of TWI's senior football producers, now that's what I call a result.

Day 7: Big Nothing

2008-06-09T20:06:00.005Z

Okay so the truth of the matter is we got absolutely shit-faced yesterday, the only redeeming part was that I managed to get myself home at a semi-reasonable time and thus provide myself with a little damage limitation, er yes and make breakfast!

On the way back (I walked) I discovered about 500 German fans watching the match underneath this bridge, so I sat with them to watch the last 20 minutes. It was quite strange, but oddly enjoyable, particularly because it was pissing down with rain.

So yes today I spent most of my time editing the short video on the previous post, doing boring stuff like laundry (and yes a run was achieved today!). I'm glad to report that the rain last night has cleared the air greatly and it was hot and dry today.

Had dinner this evening in the Prater Park at the same beer garden we ate in a few days ago, who had English menus then, but apparently 'no we do not have any English menus', I beg to differ, well I don't beg, rather I sigh at his indifference. Had to get money out earlier from this lovely ATM, the Piggy Bank, that oinks and snuffles at you as you withdraw cash. Marvellous.

Day 6: Red Mist

2008-06-09T15:36:00.003Z

Okay, so I might make a more detailed entry on the events of the day later, but this video covers most of it and I'm proud to say I filmed it all on my mobile phone, aaah technology!

Day 5: It's kicking off

2008-06-08T09:59:00.005Z

I refer, of course to the football. As from today we have fresh football footage to work with and there is a certain buzz about the production office. Even I'm in good spirits, no hangover to contend with and I even managed a 30 minute run this morning. Crazy. So I thought I would post a few more pictures from the work environment, well it's content and actually I think the infrastructure that is put in place for an event like this is quite impressive, remember it's all temporary and in a month will be taken down in no time at all.

MCR - Master Control Room

This is where all the feeds from the event are monitored and er controlled.

Promos Suite - This is where the exciting fast cut football promos are edited, well it would be if the first 8 cut before we arrived hadn't been so right-royally, er, fouled. Tony, pictured, struggles through another day!

So if I see anything else worthy of a picture I'll post it.

So what upset me today? Well the bloody foreign laptops they've got, which rather frustratingly have the 'y' and the 'z' key in opposite places, I know you're probably thinking, so what (I might even be thinking that now) but then aload of other keys are also in different places or require the use of FN + Alt to access them, aaargh. Maybe they've done it to stop me prefixing words with 'z' thus making them hi-larious and sound German, or rather, zounding German.

So given the second match was Portugal (who won) it seemed only appropriate and fitting to post a picture of Ronaldo with his top off (again). The score was eventually 1-0, but I couldn't help but be amused by the commentator when he said 'Portugal strike wood again' after several efforts on goal.

So I'm off tomorrow and will probably head down to the Fanzone in Vienna, it's Austria's first match and hopefully they can generate some atmosphere, like the 200 000 Croatians that are expected in town. Here's hoping.

Day 4: Home, Suite Home

2008-06-07T08:31:00.005Z

So these are to be my two homes for the next few weeks, my pokey little hotel room overlooking the industrial estate, nice, and the make-shift edit suite (both pictured below):

The food really is meaty out here and trying to find anything other than sausage is proving difficult.

So there it is, not much to report, a 12 hour shift, pretty much problem free. I'm off on Sunday , everyone else has taken the river trip to Bratislava, I think i'll be doing that then!

I might even get in a run in the morning. Result.

Day 3: Oh Vienna

2008-06-06T08:44:00.004Z

Quick post to conclude the day 3 entry and it needs to be said; Vienna (or Wien) as it's referred to in the native tongue, much better at night. So we go back into the centre for a light meal, get absolutely stung by some Italians for two bottles of wine at 39 euros each, utter shits.

Regardless of that little incident we find a lovely little bar that was empty until the 20 of us rocked up! Turns out it's run by father and daughter and they are so nice. They turn the music up for us and keep us in drinks till nearly 3am, very chatty and we're settling up about to leave the man gives one of the party a bag full of wine, 6 bottles. We can't believe it and try insisting he's is being totally unnecessary, but he wants to give us a gift and tells us we can enjoy it back at the hotel. Result things are looking up in Vienna!

Oh yeah forgot to mention in previous blog entry I saw a bar called Wodka Bar, amused me greatly, and the Viennese keep calling me bitter after they serve stuff, a little judgmental perhaps?

Day 3: This means nothing to me

2008-06-05T17:26:00.006Z

The second day of training turns out not to be the case, they need people to start working or take the day off, frankly I want to start doing stuff and I know that I have Thursday scheduled off so I opt to work. It's a frustrating start, it turns out that everything we were taught doesn't actually work in practice and we spend the day finding workarounds - the downside to this is that I find myself doing the same job five times over. On top of this it seems no decisions have been made prior to our arrival for style and presentation to clients.

As the day progressed things did improve and we felt much happier, but we were all in need of food and beer. We found a beer garden near the hotel and were welcomed in but subsequently rushed to order and be out as quickly as possible, not particularly easy for a group of 17 people, few of whom speak German. One of my friends ordered a dish which was basically joint of roast pork, it was huge and would have fed the whole table. A rapid consumption of beer and the pressure to be out of the place led to a lot of pints being ordered at once:
Even so given the short amount of time we had there you can imagine our surprise when the bill arrived with a staggering 62 beers on it, making up well over half the cost of the entire meal. I walked back to the hotel with one of the girls who, quite reasonably, didn't want to walk through the red light area alone. The others did eventually make it back to the hotel with a small party wanting to find a strip club, I made it clear that I didn't want any part of that sort of going out, so a group of us stayed in the hotel bar and then came back to my room to damage the mini bar!

Thursday

Overslept, missed breakfast. Fortunately had the day off! Met up with a few of the other guys who were off also and we started to explore central Vienna. Whilst the buildings are really quite spectacular in places, including the stunning church we walked through (pictured), I felt the city lacked the ambiance and character that is defining of so many other cities.

Also, as I had previously been warned, the Austrians really don't seem all that friendly, you'd have thought I would fit right in with a bunch of bitter old bastards who seem to resent everything in their lives, no alright even I'm not that bad. Still I'm not currently feeling a great deal of warmth towards the natives, but then again if I'm going to insist on doing my Sven voice everywhere I go, they're probably not going to take to me either.

So the last destination before returning to the hotel to write my ramblings was the 'fun' park which is right next door to us, it's huge and with so many rides we're spoilt for choice. We opt for a giant rotating swing that must rise several hundred feet in the air, the guy operating it asks me where I'm from, I tell him (he's quite cute) I'm from England, he laughs and says 'no football for you zen'. Absolutely right. The view at the top of the ride is amazing and I can see for miles. We enjoy a few other rides including the mildly amusing ghost train, but I opt not to go on this beast of a ride which spins you around at 120kmph according to it's speed read out! Uber fast.
I'm worried, I've spent nearly a third of my allowance in three days and we're out tonight as well!

Dis is not uber cool.

Vienese Searle

2008-06-03T21:40:00.002Z

Okay another brief post because I don't want to type it all out again, but I'm currently in Austria and I'll be keeping an ocassional record of my journey here, however I've posted the first entry on my other travel blog from Australia to start the ball rolling!

mattanddandooz.blogspot.com

Enjoy and watch this space very soon!

Sven Is Back

2008-05-25T15:24:00.000Z

Ready To Pack

2008-03-31T17:56:00.002Z

No I'm not talking about lickin' of shots dahhnn sauff (that's street speak innit) for the next 6 weeks I shall blogging on my new travelblog along with my travel chum Random Acts of Violets. Link supplied in the bit of blog that links things.

Oh god this is good.

Real To Reel

2008-03-11T22:17:00.003Z

My darling, darling friend is always telling me I should blog more "you're quite funny when you post", I know I used to do it all the time but these days I find I have to go in spurts - like this evening for example.

Anyway he's done a big blog on his...er... blog of some of his favourite film quotes, so I thought I'd follow suit, can you guess them?

"I like it, I like it a lot"

"Hans Brix? Oh no"

"You can cook right?""Your father seems to think so"

"I'd give anything to be able to do that with a ping pong ball"

"My life's as good as an Abba song"

"Lions and Tigers and Bears, oh my"

"Suck that bitch"

er okay so I got carried away and couldn't actually think of many on the spot, but I will, sometime.

Trick of the Light

2008-03-11T21:45:00.003Z

Couldn't help but notice during a casual glance of the new Armani ad featuring David Beckham the other week how different his body appeared, compared to all other shirtless pictures of him.

I think he's been touched up and I want to know who by. Bastards. So with this in mind I decided to try and find some pictures on the internet for comparisson (I felt certain I would find them there), it was almost like it was written into history (of internet explorer ed: you really should use firefox it's a far superior browser REALLY oh yes it has far less bugs than IE). So 2 pictures in one hand - er - file and mouse in the other. I just casually threw them together in photoshop and posted them here to seek you; the humble readers' opinion.

SO? Has Beckham had surgery? Been photoshopped onto a models body? or, C none of the above?

Stop The Presses

2008-03-11T21:35:00.004Z

My love for the Eurovision has finally made the national press. Admitedly I was prompted to write because some misery failed to see the joy of the whole thing (they'd been upset by Irelands entry - a turkey singing 'Ireland Douze Points'), but nethertheless here I am! ... and then this happened the following week, I discovered I was not alone... kinda:

Bin The Bunny

2007-12-31T14:42:00.000Z

Three short films I edited and directed earlier this year.

Excited!

2007-12-31T14:02:00.000Z

Sale Starts Thursday

2007-12-31T13:42:00.000Z

Saw a marvellous seasonal bargain at my local Tesco this week. It was some sort of game it had a sale sticker on that stated WAS: £2.60 NOW: £5.00. I'd put it down to a genuine mistake if I hadn't seem the game a week before on sale at £2.60. Better be quick!

Dribble, Tackle, Open Mouth

2007-11-29T18:43:00.001Z

Okay I feel you all deserve an explanation, this is the reason I've not posted for so long; I have been consumed by football.

My decision to go freelance earlier this year has found me editing in the unlikely world of the UK Premier League football. And now I never seem to have any time to do anything else other than stare at footballers. Sadly they are not all quite as beautiful as this specimen!

It's a travesty I know for my friends who do actually have more than an aesthetic interest in the sport, unlike perverted yours truly (god that's come up in two posts now). However the guys I work with seem to rather like the stuff I'm cutting, there's got to be an irony here somewhere. Bored. Wait a moment irony board?

Going Down

2007-11-29T18:30:00.000Z

Hurrah I've done it - yes I've posted for the first time since August (slap wrist) AND I've booked my travels to Australia and New Zealand next year isn't that crazy! Five weeks travelling with the wonderfully fabulous Matt.

It's a journey which is innevitably going to end up as some sort of Priscilla Queen of the Desert pilgrimage, but hey who cares two old queens in a camper van pervving it up the sunshine coast of Australia I can't think of anything better! Can you? Oh alright answers in a comment.

The Jackal

2007-11-29T10:10:00.001Z

Left to Rights

2007-08-14T13:27:00.001Z

Did anyone else know it was national left-handed day yesterday, no of course you didn't 'cos you're all dirty right-handers and don't care about us 'lefties'. Filth.

http://www.lefthandersday.com

Apparently 58% of all left-handers think they are more intelligent than right-handers, well I suppose we've got to defend ourselves somehow. We're more creative and apparently better looking than our righty counterparts, I have to say I agree, I enjoy nothing more than oggling at myself in the mirror for hours on end! Narcissism anyone?

So statistically I'm quite unique, gay and left-handed (there's the autobiography title right there) 1in 10 times 1 in 10, er what is that, well a lot anyway. Oh god I'm bored, now where is that mirror....

More Misery

2007-07-24T08:47:00.001Z

And this one.

And another thing...

2007-07-24T08:38:00.000Z

Has anyone seen the MFI adverts currently running. To me they only send out one clear message, people who buy from MFI or people who go to MFI, have deeply unhappy lives. Therefore buy from MFI, end up deeply unhappy. Well I suppose it's honest.

Signed, Sealed, Delivered (now posted)

2007-07-24T08:24:00.000Z

For some reason I can't find the pictures to illustrate this post, but given what did come up on the google search it's probably for the best.

Vagiseal, Anusol, to name but a few, I actually can't remember the rest of the names but there is now a host of products being advertised on telly with THE most graphic and unimaginative product names. In my mind I can't imagine anything worse than going to the chemist and asking for a tube of Anus-ol, frankly there's only one place that's going.

Year-ning

2007-07-05T21:45:00.000Z

You Belong in 1991

With you anything goes! You're grunge one day, ghetto fabulous the next. It's all good!

What Year Do You Belong In?

Food For Thought

2007-07-05T21:15:00.000Z

In a completely un-related post to the previous one, on my most recent shopping trip to Sainsburys I discovered this amazing food range. Can you believe it? And not happy with just kiddylicious food, is this beast:

... babylicious, which freaky marketing director came up with this concept, "I know put a child in your head". It's wrong I tells you all wrong!

Filth On A Fork

2007-06-25T21:43:00.000Z

Tis' the season to be jolly, I'm referring of course to The Great British Summer Strawberry season of course, not that Christmas nonsense everyone keeps going on about. Anyway my point, bought some delicious organic British strawberries today and OMFG remembered a jar of Green & Blacks chocolate sauce in the cupboard, frankly thank god I was on my own in the house, it was sooooo delicious, in the words of the Scissor Sisters it was filthy gorgeous. In fact as my flat mates would verify (if they weren't dipping their bodies in Glastonbury mud - is there a similarity?) I get 'special' feelings in my groin with certain foods and this was one!

Never Can Say Good Buy

2007-06-25T21:26:00.000Z

Oh for goodness sake, for some reason now YouTube won't publish my videos to my blog!! You precious people have missed out on so much!!

Danny Gaynor

I was left on my own in the edit suite and this is how I pass the time! Oh dear!

Never Say Goodbye!

2007-06-24T14:23:00.000Z

I was trying to upload a video I did when I was bored!