Suprise, Suprise, Chuck!

Now I always thought I'd be the sort of person that couldn't be surprised, I thought perhaps I'd know what people were up to - well in a long list of things I'm discovering about myself this holiday this was another, my friends up to birthday surprise mischief under my very nose!!

I was very spoilt by my friends on Thursday night, they had managed to arrange a number of surprises in cahoots with my mate Trix. It started with pressies, fab as always and one of which I may have to leave here, it's called a Linga, but I'll allow the more curious reader to Google that fella and find out what it is! Needless to say with my reputation for always getting pulled across for additional screening at airport security, this item would do me no favours!!

We take the disco Tuk Tuk into town again, once again we cruise through the main bars, pullings doughnuts, this time in front of a copper with Michael Jackson 'Don't Stop Till You Get Enough' providing the backing. The policeman whistles him to stop, he clearly has had enough! We jump out and get some food, then we're off on a circuit of the main bars. I really like Siem Reep, it's got a nice atmosphere and the lively bit is all close together. We head up to a lovely bar called Miss Wongs, with a name like that I know it must have some gay connection - sure enough the owner is and he's just a really lovely guy called Dean.

It's here that the final surprise of the night has been laid on by Trix and Mac, it's abirthday cake! I'm really touched, not just any old cake it's all decorated and has my name in the icing, they've managed to pull it all of in less than a day!! It's massive, but the bar is cosy, so we share the cake around with our fellow punters! I'm loving the town so much and seeing my long lost friends that it's suggested I stay here another day - so I do! Even at 10:30pm it's possible to make the relevant arrangements in this country!

One of our last ports of call is the towns only gay bar called Linga (seriously look it up!) it's just me and Mac left now, it's quite late and most people have gone home, a few eager male escorts try and make an advance on me, but their inappropriate touching is making me feel rather uncomfortable! I head home giddy as a pig in shit! And promptly try and call my flat mate to tell her how happy I am - it goes to answerphone - message done - pass out!

FRIDAY

Have a much more relaxed day, Mac picks me up in the morning and takes me to a war relic museum, I'm astounded by how recent some of the pieces are. However, the main order of the day is to relax and thank fully Mac knows where and the guy that runs it.

The day is spent lazily by a lovely quiet pool, the place is called Aqua, a few beers, food and music, it's a great way to chill. In the evening I join Mac and Trix for a meal in their home and then Trix and I end up back in town again! Needless to say it's not a quick pint and once again I'm home at 2, this time there's the burden of packing and being up in 4 hours time to get the morning bus back to Phnom Penh.

SATURDAY

Remarkably I'm up, but even better I seem to be in reasonable shape, when I got in last night I made myself a Berrocca and Alka Seltzer cocktail, thinking it might fight the hangover while I slept! It has. So not only do I make it early to the bus, I'm so early they allow me on the earlier departure, this turns out to be a small mistake.

2 hours into my journey the coach breaks down and we have to wait an hour for a replacement to pick us up, also the old bloke sat next to me seems to have a bladder issue and has got up and pushed past me 5 times in these first few hours, I suggest we swap places.

Normally reading on abus would make me want to vom, but for some reason today I'm having no problems and finish off one book and nearly an entire other one.

I'm very excited to see Tash and Tim at the hotel, they've come here to use the pool for the afternoon, Rich is enraged at the $8 fee, I flash my room key and barge past him 'laters losers!!' Talking of the hotel, it's put the rest of the trip in perspective, not that it really needed it, more a case of dotting the i's etc. Well once again it's late and I'm skirting details, but this should at least have kept you going for your mug-of-tea-and-Rich-Tea-break.

Tomorrow, final day expect tears, or something!

Summer Birthday: Ankor What?

Having a birthday in January has traditionally meant bad weather, well it's summer season here and I'm really enjoying a sunny birthday, despite the mercury rising!

It's fabulous to catch up with my mate Nicky (Trix) and her partner Mac, who act as impeccable hosts and tour guides to the town. Having a 'local' on our side means we're no longer being ripped off as tourists, she takes no bullshit!!

We have a driver for the day at $15, who takes us to 4 of the main temples, the entire network covers around 3000km square. They are phenomenal, and one can only imagine what it must have been like for the explorers who discovered them in the jungle in the 1930's, the sheer scale and age of them is remarkable.

Apologies for glossing over all the amazing places I've been, but it's birthday time and there's a stench of karaoke in the air and I wanna find where it's coming from! Expect a hangover tomorrow and an update from tonight! Laters friends!! xxx

Don't Fear The Reaper!

Well I've arrived in Siem Reap, not quite sure how. My mind seems to be a blank, something about a dead fish?

The experience is one I'll never forget, I've finally met up with my mate Trix who's lived here for 5 years. We check in at an English run guest house, right next to the river, it's an amazing setting and straight away we all know it's a place we'd like to come back to, arriving at the centre in the only disco Tuk Tuk in town, with Jolene blaring out and our driver pulling doughnuts in the square is hilarious!

We enjoy a meal and a few drinks in what is clearly a very laid back town, it's the most relaxed I've been since getting here.

Murder On The Mekong Express

This story is based on actual events, the names of the people have been changed to protect the innocent.

I awoke uncharacteristically early, a cicada breaks the morning silence. There's a sense of unease in the air, it's almost as though death hangs in the air, like the slow lethargic mist that rolls across the city at first light.

I jump out of bed, immediately dropping to the floor to press out at least 100 push-ups and a stern set of unrelenting abdominal exercises, barely breaking a sweat. I spring to my feet and shower, DI Lovemuffin is ready for duty.

After toweling my firm torso dry I slip on a fresh, pressed cotton shirt, it slips and caresses the contours of my fine physique. Women have been known to fall at my feet at the sheer sight of me. I duck down to breakfast and sip at an orange juice squeezed by my firm manly fist and fresh Papaya served of a young orphan child's back. It's so degrading, I have to take the fruit myself.

My limo pulls up sharpish to transfer me to the Mekong Express, I'm traveling incognito, posing as a hippy tourist, I find myself burdened with two pathetic losers - there's no way they're stepping in the limo.

The three of us step out at the Phnom Pen central bus station, despite the commotion I cautiously eye the other passengers readying to board. A guy from the North West of England with a funny accent argues with his Bulgarian love trophy, a couple with a soft toy tend to a distressed child - always be wary of soft toys I note to myself. My attention is drawn to two students, they're being pushy and insist on carrying their special cargo on board. Naturally I've already deduced it's a fish in a bag and something fishy is definitely afoot.

Two Cambodian stunners greet me as I board first class. THUD. I turn sharpish, the two Asian beauties have fainted, 'of course they have' I chuckle to myself and find my way to my seat. The couple I'm traveling with insist on sitting with me - covert surveillance would be hampered by a normal DI - but not Lovemuffin.

My attention is briefly taken by a performance on my private screen. A scorcher of a woman in full ball gown is dancing sensually through a supermarket. SNAP OUT OF IT LOVEMUFFIN. The lurch of the Mekong Express draws my focus back, the fish, where is the fish? I must stop this woman next to me talking, I need a clear head.

I try and snap the other passengers discreetly with my button hole camera. The student reels as the shutter fires, it's okay, it's okay, his friends leg has broken, my cover is safe. My prowess rules. I must stop this woman talking to me. A shriek comes from up ahead, I jump, it's just the baby crying. FOCUS GODDAMMIT LOVEMUFFIN. one more jumnp like that and you'll blow your cover.

"I'm here on business" the man on the North West tells me.
"I from Bulgaria" adds love trophy.
These are all things I already know, I'd already deduced this with my superior intellect.

The coach screeched to a halt.

"Every body off, you eat now!"screamed the saucy Asian temptress (who had regained consciousness). As I shuffle past I slip her a wink. THUD.

The air was hot, sticky and tropical, 'much like a Callipo' I thought to myself, my thought is broken by a shrill scream;
"MURDER"
I sprint back to the Mekong Express, it's 40+ in the midday sun and near 100% humidity, but I easily outrun the other passengers and step back onboard. There in front of me the student is bent double, weaping, in his hands he holds out the fish. It's dead.

WHO DUNNIT?
The End.

Let Sleeping Dogs Lie

Well reading back yesterdays post I can tell how tired I was, I skipped most of the detail from the afternoon and some of the paragraphs seems to lack basic grammar! I actually wanted to call the post '2 Dykes On The River Mekong' not because there were, but because I got chatting to a pair of them, they were actually very nice - not too 'lesbiany' at all - although I was fairly sure one of them was probably slightly more in charge!

I also failed to mention the large German contingent with us, who I greatly enjoyed watching on several (in fact every) occasions, rush to get their bags loaded on first to each of our transports, only to have to wait till the end for them to be unloaded again! Needless to say though traveling by boat was a great way to do it.

Today

I was so pleased to get a lie in today and an altogether more relaxing day. A lazy start and we headed out for breakfast, sorted out our accomodation in Siem Reep (courtesy of my mate Trix who lives there) and transport there and back. We're hoping this will mean a far less stressful couple of days ahead.

It's soon lunch then we head of into town on a Tuk Tuk, we decide to choose the old guy who is sleeping in his, rather than the ones who have said 'you want tuk tuk?' every time we've dared step foot outside the hotel. He's a very sweet guy - despite the lack of conversation and waits for us when we arrive at the S21 museum.

Now this is a truly harrowing place, it's an old school that was converted by the Khmer Rouge into a prison camp and place of torture during Pol Pot's regime. We're shown a documentary film and despite the stifling heat in the room, it's gripping a moving. We're left wandering how a country can move on from such atrocities, yet still they are.

The saddest part though is the exhibition of the mugshots that were taken of all the victims who had been 'destroyed', a phrase I find particularly chilling, while they were at the camp. As Lucy pointed out, you feel that every face deserves your time and respect to honor the inoccent, yet there are thousands in many rooms. A walk through the cells that all still remain and exhibitions with display cabinets full of skulls is sobering to say the least.

Our tuk tuk driver is waiting smiling to take us back and I think all of us are thinking that our driver would have lived through it (incredibly) and almost certainly would have been affected by it in some way himself. We take a break and contemplate the day, it really puts things in perspective. So tomorrow we're back to the early starts, but not quite as hideous! Of to Siem Reep for 2 nights and a long awaited hook up with Nicky. Bring it on!

Crossing Over

So day 3 of 3 has arrived, again at 5.45am. I've been keeping notes of the days events as we've been out of communication, but no phone and telly I realise is no bad thing! Despite the quality of the hotel I do manage to get an omelette this morning. Sunrise is beautiful and I manage to snap a few shots before we're ushered off.

We're taken to a quay where a fleet of two-man boats are waiting all crewed by single ladies who row us to a fish-market and then on to a small village to witness Muslim scarves been woven. I'm joined in my boat by a Romanian guy called Marios who's doing the same tour but in reverse!

We have to leave promptly and jump on a boat taking us to the border, it's the first time we're uncrowded and we can lay out on the top deck in the morning sun. This is pretty much the order for the day, we switch into a smaller boat as we cross and this takes us to within an hour of Phenom Penh. The 17 of us disembark and are told to climb into a 12 seater bus with all our luggage in tow, no one is happy but it quickly becomes evident they don't care and it's the only way to get into the city.

Well it's 11:30 at night, I'm knackered and needless to say we made it okay and found a decent guesthouse, the evening was all good! Tomorrow we finally get a lay in! Good night.

Get Over Myself

The early start arrives, but not for want of more sleep. Breakfast in most of the places we've stayed consists of a loaf of very light bread and jam, the coffee is dire. I should perhaps point out at this point in the journey I know I seem to be focussing on the negative, but it's hard and it very wearing in the heat and noise which endures constantly, but I know this is a life experience and I am really enjoying it - even if it puts me way out of my comfort zone.

The second day is much better, our first port of call is a properly genuine water market, which we are spectators, it's a treat for the camera and puts us all in a much better frame of mind, this is what we came for - an experience not a sales pat. After this the boat continues through a small rural village where all the children run out of the houses to smile and wave at us, it's not put on, it's humbling and sweet. Further highlights of the day include rice husking, climbing a monkey bridge and sampling exotic fruits straight from the tree - the mango, papaya and pineapple are particularly delicious.

Eventually it's lunch and we stop at an outdoor restaurant where a wedding is taking place next door to us. The volume on the PA is so ridiculously loud we can barely hear ourselves, but more so it's distorting beyond belief and none of the guest are even watching the ceremony! Wedding seems to be a theme of the day, as we swap coaches onto a separate tour, our new guide questions my 'single supplement' on the room and wants to know if I'm married, on my response he says he can arrange a nice woman to come to my room. I can't help but think of a quote from Priscilla 'I Your Wife!', naturally I decline.

As the journey continues I find it incredible that the country allows such a heavy volume of traffic to use the roads they are currently in the process of building! In some parts we cross temporary steel bridges where we can see right through to the river. We arrive at Chau Doc, a border town and the hotel is horrific.

I'm telling myself it's for one night, we head out for food but even that seems to be a struggle, it's really difficult to do anything when you have to think about every single decision (the sort you take for granted at home) every guide book tells you don't have drinks with ice in, we've seen why first hand, unless they make the ice themselves, so you have to inspect it - don't buy food of street vendors, that's all there is. These are the things I am finding wear me down quickest and make me want my creature comforts most. I decide back in my hotel room that I should get over myself and respect the holiday for what it is!

Saionara Saigon!

A few days to acustomize to Vietnam and we're ready to get on the road, courtesy of the same company we toured with yesterday we're up at 6:30 for an 8am departure. We're heading off with a coach load of fellow travellers. We're exploring the Mekong Delta for three days partly by road, partly by boat. Our first stop is 2 hours in, at a petrol station, I wish I'd had my camera at the ready to snapshot the belligerent twat who was sparking up a cigarette right next to the no smoking sign - on the forecourt. Lucy took the lead and asked him not to but it quickly became clear he was drunk and didn't give a toss!

On with the tour and we're taken by boat to a Vietnamese market, it's clear it's not authentic and clearly targeting tourists. Various wares are thrust upon us and we repeatedly decline, it's bit of a pattern here. However lunch is a slightly more enjoyable affair, we stop at an island on the river, the food is mediocre but I h

Slightly deflated we're back on the boat and then back to the coach, I nod off only to awake an hour later and find we haven't moved at all, we promptly instructed to get off the coach and march to the ferry terminal "it's only a few kilometres", in the mid day sun I think to myself.

The terminal, is clearly Vietnam at it's finest, practically third world, it's a hub that everyone uses regularly to cross the various tributaries of the delta region, it's hot, smelly and wearing. We promptly have to wait on the other side another hour for our coach to come across (passengers are not allowed to cross on the vehicles) to take us to the hotel, which we then discover is 500 yards up the road. Meanwhile a few other travellers jump on the back of mopeds to be taken to homestays, I can't quite help but think they're taking their lives in their hands!

The hotel is 1 star and I'm becoming increasingly aware of how lucky I am as a westerner to have such luxuries in my life as hot running water and even electricity, yet despite myself I'm not comfortable. We head out to find food and then we're off to bed, we have to be up at 5:45 am for the next leg.

Cu Chi, Coo.

Well I was up obscenely early this morning after very little sleep in my hot and clammy cell, only to find that breakfast consisting of a loaf of bread and peanut butter did little to dispell my theory that I'm actually in a Vietnamese prison! Rich unfortunately has woken with a stomach bug (but grateful for the supplies of pepto-bismal I bought) so it's Lucy and I setting out for temples and tunnels today.

We're joined on the coach at 8am local time (1am UK with jet lag now set in) by some friends of Rich and Lucy, who they have met in previous travels. It's takes a good hour and a half to clear Saigon and our guide says the countries theory to solving the traffic problems are to copy Singapore and other countries with no traffic control at all!

We arrive at Cau Dai temple late in the morning, in time to see mid day mass, they worship a new religion here which is influenced by Taoism, Buddhism and another which I can't remember - despite the fact the tour guide repeated everything three times to us for an hour. As lovely and colorful as the temple was, for me the enlightenment of the tour was seeing the Vietnamese countryside once we had escaped the clutches of the city.

A reasonable lunch (about 1.50), and we were back on the road to visit the underground tunnels in Cu Chi. In this region of Vietnam a network of tunnels that were all hand dug stretch over a vast 200km area. The heat and the incessant noise from a Danish family who failed to show any interest in their children whatsoever made the journey a little wearing, that combined with a lack of sleep and the bus nearly careering of the road when it struck an oncoming lorry meant I wasn't quite able to show the level of enthusiasm I should have for such a significant part of the countries past. Still crawling just 20metres through one of the 'enlarged for tourists' tunnels was quite an experience and certainly not one for those with claustrophobia.

The day was okay but far too much traveling in the heat for what we actually saw. I was glad to get back to Saigon for a burger and a beer, well I'm off deep into the Meekong Delta for 3 days tomorrow, so I expect to be out of communication - bring on the rivers!!

Danny Get's Some Fanny...

Well since evening has struck and my friends have gone to bed and I'm frankly far too scared to venture out on my own, I thought perhaps I'd conclude todays activities blog!

Big news, Danny has had some Fanny - and enjoyed it. No I haven't succumb to the temptresses of the night (and there are plenty) This Fanny is an ice cream parlor which comes highly recommended. I opted for the JaBaileys, which like the name suggests, had Cointreau in it, ha I jest it WAS Baileys, a miserable little squirt, but tasty all the same.

Rich and I did a circuit of the block this afternoon, but concluded there was nothing else to see in our area except more bars. We did find a half decent Thai place for dinner though, I say half decent, Rich and Lucy had a great dinner, mine was a bit shit. Still the fresh watermelon juice was delicious. I won the juices.

I was a little concerned before reviewing todays photos that I might not have captured the 'beat' of the city yet, but was happier with them when I saw them on the big screen. It's common courtesy to ask people if you can take their picture apparently, I /disagree, the book in turn disagrees with me, what would those well traveled journo's know.

Well I suppose I am a bit tired and we're up early for our excursion to the Cu Chi tunnels tomorrow, I'm 34 in a few day I can feel the symptoms of old age taking over, early smurley!

Vietnam. Good Morning.

Well here I am, fresh of the plane in mental Saigon (officially Ho Chi Minh City or HCMC) I was very grateful to see Rich and Lucy in arrivals at the airport, particularly given the insane amount of people there all waiting for other passengers, I have never seen that number of people, not even for a celebrity or football team, I half expected to see someone famous be ushered in behind me.

As for business class, as nice as it is, frankly I don't think it's worth the additional expense and the hotel I was booked into for my first night, again lovely, but it seemed to be close to nothing, well except other people. I took an hours power-nap after the journey and was impressed I survived the rest of the day.

So we venture out onto the streets, it's mental, you can't exaggerate how busy it is, it does that itself. Those of you who know me, will know I'm not the best at crossing roads, well here you have to let the traffic move around you and the trick to that is no squealing and slow and steady. Our first port of call was the war remnants museum. A little bit too much propaganda, but a firm reminder of the countries stern and recent history. We wander back to Rich and Lucy's hotel, which is in a much more lively (it's relative!) area of the city. Stop for a drink, and plan out the next few days, even trying to relax you are constantly hassled by street vendors, quickly you have to ignore them, even catch them in the eye and they won't leave you alone! A spot of dinner and a relax in the evening, come 10:30 pm I'm out like a light.

I'm surprised to have slept right through till 8am and this morning - well it feels like morning! I go down for an impressive breakfast, 4 courses, then go back to join Rich and Lucy, today I've booked into their hotel, the room is a cell, but at 12 quid a night, I don't really care! We head down to the river - I'm filled with romantic notions of cafe bars and restaurants - the reality is a quite different, it's a wide working river and judging by the sheer number of ships, quite deep as well. Closer to the shore, there are people what I can only assume is fishing, but the water is so muddy I can't really tell. We stop for a drink - no sunglasses thanks - then lunch - seriously we don't want the glasses - then a coffee via the other Notre Dame cathedral and colonial post-office. There's a heavy French influence in Saigon, due to there occupation of the country at some point in history (god I've read my guide books well!).

We've booked four days of excursions for the princely sum of about 35quid - that includes accommodation, three of those on the Mekong Delta traveling up the river, eventually ending in Cambodia - don't expect posts! Rich has shown me a picture he took of me, I look pastey and English, it's not a good look! Well we're off to dinner shortly so that's it for today!

Look I don't want the f***ing sunglasses.

Brief Encounter

Well actually it's got nothing to do with briefs at all. It's just I'm in a weird point of transit in Bangkok! With an hour to burn. I've showered, coffeed, technically it's midnight UK time, but less of that I'm on holiday an in the immortal words of last years Eurovision entry for the UK, this is 'My Time' My moment etc, etc.

Anyway I'm on holiday in Vientam and Cambodia for 2 weeks so I thought I'd resurrect the blog. And you all thought I'd given up on it! Fools.