Lucky Bitches

I'm currently on a short away break visiting the parentals in Cornwall (they're not the lucky ones by the way) and despite how ghastly the weather has been it's always nice to catch up with everyone I still know down here.

Anyway today I've been dragged along by my brother to a country show, he's sponsored an event here and his girlfriend is doing something 'horsey' and has also brought her dogs along to take part in the 'amateur' dog show. I'm always quite wary of these provincial events, where 'just a bit of fun' is taken scarily seriously. I'm sorry to say my brothers girlfriend, as lovely as she is, is one of these people, but by no means the only one.

It starts with criticism of the judges, apparently she's choosing the dogs that are most like her own, rather than being independent. Now just so you know (the background to the story, I find it helps) Kelly: bro's girl, owns two Springer Spaniels, one male, one female, the male she rescued from a 'sleepy needle' at the veterinary surgery where she works. The poor dog has the canine equivalent of special needs and as such is quite timid around people, although he did seem to take a shine to me, so Kelly enters him into one of the categories but he runs back to her leaving the boy handler unaware he is just holding a lead.

In her determination to win something, well a rosette, she swaps dogs, hoping that the judge won't notice the change in sex, she comes fourth. Kelly then decides that she will keep entering the same female dog throughout the categories just switching her sex and back story as necessary. While this is going on I also catch another participant criticising one family for putting their child up as handler, thus trumping them for 'cute' points, "they're supposed to be judging the bitch, not the boy. Bastards". It's no wonder Christopher Guest saw the comedy potential in dog owners.

Finally the category of Best Rescue Dog comes up, she decides she will enter the actual male dog in this, apparently he's so pathetic he's guaranteed to win this category. He lives up to his reputation, he doesn't even stand up, it's an oscar-winning "I nearly went to doggy heaven" performance. He's done it, he's beaten small child with Jack Russell, fat man with poodle (honestly) and girl. Jack (the dog) is presented with his prize pink rosette (pictured), my brother decides to sport it while we wander around the rest of the show.

Later at the burger bar when he gets a tea (my brother, not the dog), the lady asks him what the rosette is for, he explains Best Rescue Dog category, she declares to us both that she can't help herself but rescue animals, "I've got 46 of them", I simply respond "where do you get your burgers from?".