A Snake In The Grass...?

Yes I know it's been the best part of 2 months since I got back from Germany. My abscess now completely healed. But my blog is still rather new. Besides which this is a bizarre story I feel the need to share.

Now this particular hotel in Frankfurt was obviously popular with business travelers and those wanting to hold a function, say a wedding for example. We, as the former, had a designated office room from which we all worked. This room was on the ground floor of the hotel, so it was easy for us to nip out into the garden, just outside our room, whenever we felt the need for a quick break.

We'd been there a good few weeks when 'the wedding party' checked into the hotel, all the boys on the crew (present company excepted of course) were getting quite excited at the sudden influx of beautiful young German girls hanging around. Unfortunately the boys were unable to join in with the festivities, so it was back to work.

The following Sunday morning when we went to take our first break from work we were presented with the most extraordinary sight. There, glistening in the morning light, laying serenely amongst the dew drops and grass was a huge great dildo (pictured). We were in hysterics. It was only upon closer inspection that we realised 'the scene' we saw before us was more horror than humour.

What we saw was a scene that can only be described as a hideous cross between CSI and Anal Talisman 5. Honestly, someone should have cordoned off the area there and then. A second dildo (a second I mean that's just greedy), a bottle of lube and a small bag of some unidentifiable substance were all noted.

This is not a tale of German wedding debauchery, it's a story of waste. The person I feel for most in this story is the poor handyman from the hotel who had to remove the 'items' from the scene. What do the Germans get up to at their weddings? There's some compelling evidence to suggest it's not line dancing.

German Hos-brutality

Okay I'm being unfair. I recently came back from 6 weeks in Deutschland and the Germans were perfect hosts.

However, on what I discovered was going to be my last day in Germany, the day pictured, I experienced the true pain of German hospitals.

Despite my happy-go-lucky expression in this picture (taken Nordic walking in the Alps) that particular morning I awoke with an abscess the size of a golf ball just below my right buttock. A quick inspection by my friend 'ooh that looks nasty', a small application of cream and I was convinced I'd be fine for a days hiking. Sadly that was not to be the case. The day in the Alps was highly enjoyed, but as we headed back to Munich the growth on my rear was not.

Back at my friends even sitting down was becoming quite literally a pain in the ass, so a quick call to my travel insurers and it was off to hospital. Now I did have to sit and wait well over an hour to get seen, having no idea what was install when I was.

A once over by the doctor and she said 'straight to theatre for you', which is where they proceeded to cut the abscess open with a scapel, no anesthetic, no painkillers, no nothing. I have to say it was one of the most painful feelings I have ever, EVER, experienced.

The likely cause? An infected hair follicle. Why, oh why, do I get the gayest infections?

Prancing In The Streets

What a strangely enjoyable August Bank Holiday weekend.

This was my first ever experience of the Notting Hill Carnival, I thought it was fabulous, everyone was so friendly, the atmosphere was fun and energetic. I'd always had reservations about going to the carnival, for the simple reason, I don't like crowds. There was something about this event though that made you want to be part of the crowd and enjoy it as much as the performers in the procession seemed to be.

Now I was lucky enough to be enjoying the festivities with a very good friend who was over from Cambodia for a few weeks. We made a great compliment for reveling, boozing and really getting into what I like to think was the 'spirit' of the day.

It's on that idea of 'spirit' that gets me to Tom. Several beers into the day Trix and I are doing to whole Pied Piper thing behind one of the floats, then amongst the crowd I notice a guy who seems like he's not enjoying it quite as much as the rest of us. I ask him if he's okay, he tell me that he's lost all the rest of his mates and he's been up and down the road looking for them for hours. My friend and I enjoying the day so much take this guy under our wing and carry on partying with him. It just seemed the right thing to do on a day like that, we all enjoyed it. Tom I hope you made it back to Basildon in the end and were reunited with your girlfriend and mates.

I can't recommend the carnival enough, it was such a fun day. Thank you everyone.

ad libitum

In the months of recent past, i've been experiencing somthing of a lucky streak. It started off with the odd CD here, another odd CD here, and another odd CD here in fact they are all rather odd. Then came the Manchester United wash bag full of, well you probably guessed, Manchester United grooming products. Then there was that tenner on the lottery - and as most of you know I don't normally play the lottery either. So this is all rather nice.

In jest I said to a friend of mine on a recent visit to Cornwall,

'you know what I'm owed another, that's only 5 so far, these things come in 3's, i'm due something else'

and thought nothing more of it. Then a week ago, while at work, I get a call telling me that I had one a competition i'd entered in a magazine before Christmas. Naturally I was gobsmacked when they told me it was a cocktail party for me and 10 friends. Where am I gonna find those kind of numbers? Well everyone's your friend at £100 a head. Surely you can't drink that much in a night?

Weight Gain

It's no secret among my friends I've become bit of a gym freak in the last year and I go on about it constantly. But last night as I was working through my routine I became accutely aware of this guy starting to go through the exact same exercises as I was - just with heavier weights. So I finished my sets then changed my exercise. Sure enough this guy started doing the same thing. Despite how happy I feel with how I look outside the gym, being surrounded by all these muscley guys in the gym makes me feel very very insecure. Wait a moment... surrounded by sweaty musclemen? Wake up.

Alternative Endings

My flat mate and I spent last night completely avoiding the jobs we really should have been doing around the home by telling ourselves that in an 'alternate universe' all was happy and done. We soon discovered as we drunk more how convenient alternate universes are for shunning everything we need to do in this one, yet still relishing from the glory that we had done it in another. My god I totally subscribe to the science boffins I never have to worry about the consequences of my decisions in this life again - happy in the knowledge that somewhere out there I've made the right decision. Do I have a blog in another life? I doubt it i'm far too busy.